this dreamer guy--hold onto him. let's make him our mascot. we can invite him over and have him give readings of his deep thoughts. while he's reading we'll all sit in a semiciricle and say things like, "wow the dreamer, that one was really profound," or "holy shit, the dreamer, i have to press my naked body against you now." then the women can make eyes at him, and mike b. can show him his nipple (oh the memories--im going blind just thinking about it). then when the dreamer has wet himself because he's never been this close to a woman who wasnt his sister (or his niece that one time after thanksgiving dinner when everyone was cleaning up and he copped a feel around the turkey carcas she carried to the kitchen), and we can say, "hey the dreamer, dont fret. this pants-pissing ritual happens all the time around here. why, just look." and then we can all piss our pants so the dreamer doesnt feel out of place. then, just when he thinks we've accepted him into our group, we can have a slumber party and watch all his favorite prison movies (probably a fifty-fifty split between Earnest Goes to Jail and Caged Heat 16), and when he falls asleep we can shave his balls and crazy glue eyes to them, and dress his penis up like a hilarious nose, and put a cowboy hat on his chode, and then we can drug him and lock him outside and call the police.
i havent thought past calling the police, though, so we'll have to make sure our fastest talker is available when they arrive and demand an explanation about the profound artist with the cowboy cock passed out on our front lawn. our fastest talker will be there to say something witty yet obvious, like "we're not sure who he is, officer, but i think he's catching a cold--look at his nose drip!" then everyone can laugh together like at the end of a scooby doo episode where scooby leaps into shaggy's arms because a mouse walks in front of the candle and its shadow looks like some damned demon beast. cause when everyone laughs like that, it's usually time for the episode to end, and cops can sense this, and then theyll leave. or we can hunt down Dolemite and make him one of our own, cause he dont take no crap from cracker pigs no-how.
on second thought, we could just call Dolemite to begin with and have him beat the hell out of the dreamer. "the dreamer," we'll say, "your time has come. fuck cows, stinky man!" and Dolemite will come out with his kung-fu hookers and lay fucking waste to that guy.
posted by Paully at 11:41 PM link/comments
