Speaking of jobs and pay...Every month, my dear old employers gather up my timecards and use a magnifying glass (yes, a magnifying glass) to TRY to figure out how many hours I've worked. It takes the two of them an entire morning to figure it out, and they usually end up debating whether a particular number is a 3 or an 8. This, despite the fact that I work the exact same hours everyday and they could just put me on a weekly salary and make everything easier....
posted by Jen at 11:31 PM link/comments
i have no job. strangely, however, i have been already paid out, which means that i have almost two month's pay in my bank account. enough to, say, buy a round trip ticket to the states - or a shitbox car..... it's all quite bizarre really - feeling rich but knowing that you're poor. i've also got a fucking horrid coughy sneezy stuffy head thingy at the moment - so i don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere or talking to anyone. I'm motivated to begin my "design the world's greatest html resume" project - but can't seem to muster up the energy beyond getting online and reading blogs..... i got a phone call about a job this morning, but they wanted three years of tech writing experience, which i haven't got... oh well - back to the drawing board (everytime i hear that phrase i think of Wile E Coyote.....)
boing
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 8:29 PM link/comments
Right on. I already swiped bread, cold cuts, and tortellini from an event this morning. Mwahahahah.
posted by Kate at 5:25 PM link/comments
i got a paycheck today. it made me smile. it made something inside me respond, like gas only without the bloating. more like lovin. supposedly i have even more money coming my way. it's all so delectable.
until you think about rent and stuff. then you have to wonder what it's all for in the first place. then you have to live on free cake from department meetings. which explains, kate, why people need refreshments after listening to some german guy blab. it's not that they need a snack--that's how students get their meals. so be sure to have plenty on hand. and take some home, if you can. students would want it that way.
posted by Paully at 5:02 PM link/comments
I am going to have a washboard stomach by my birthday. This is my goal. Over the past 3 days, I've done a total of 900 stomach crunches, which makes me feel pretty cool. The down side is that my stomach HURTS LIKE AN UNHOLY BITCH. I sneezed earlier and it felt like my intestines were beating me from the inside with sledgehammers. No pain, no gain, they say. I'd like to hit whoever "they" are over the head with something heavy and pointy. Like a stegosaurus.
posted by Kate at 1:19 PM link/comments
One of the sillier components of my job is that I occasionally have to oversee lectures and other events for the departments I work for. Today, we have some hotshot German scholar coming to give a lecture on "Transfigurations in Thomas Mann." (wheeeeee.) After a large snafu involving Mr. Hotshot's check this morning, I called to confirm our catering order. Me. Ordering caterers. What a hoot. People are going to come in, listen to some deutschbird talk about Thomas Mann, then feast on tex-mex dip, a fruit platter, cookies, brownies, soda, and bottled water. Is it me, or does it all seem just a bit silly?
posted by Kate at 1:12 PM link/comments
Wednesday, November 29, 2000
Entropy, Chaos, Panic, Worry, Anger, Anxiousness, Xanax, Dillemas, Headache.
That about sums it up right now.
posted by Kate at 10:35 AM link/comments
Tuesday, November 28, 2000
shame on you, Miss Kate for thinking that i would lead you astray with my stylings concerning that doyen of the domestic, Mr Springer. Know this, i am the kiiiiing of tacky talk shows - i have no job - my life is filled with Jenny, Ricki, Oprah and Jerry (ok not Oprah - i would watch her, but have an overwhelming urge to throw large heavy objects at the television when she's on...... phone call was much appreciated - trying to not be downtrodden about this whole thing - love shown by all is most gratifying.... new email is balkandishlex@yahoo.com need your lovin........ *kisses* must fly - at net cafe and paying by the minute.....
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 9:36 PM link/comments
Ack! I am the shittiest web designer in the universe. This page is so fucked.
posted by Kate at 3:34 PM link/comments
You know, I never did figure out why the hell there was a dead lizard in my trashcan. (for Holly: Dead lizard in my trashcan. Don't have to feed it anymore.)
posted by Kate at 1:21 PM link/comments
This Just In ... Dannon Fruit-on-the-Bottom strawberry yogurt is not nearly as tasty as other brands.
posted by Kate at 1:12 PM link/comments
The skinny on the Springer death.
How did I not hear about this??
posted by Kate at 1:07 PM link/comments
Hey. Weird. I just found out about Peter Gabriel in Genesis, too. I was informed by a cheesy 80s flashback radio show DJ on my way back from PA. I can't decide if this information makes me gain respect for Genesis or lose respect for Peter Gabriel. I'll let you know once the jury renders a verdict.
posted by Kate at 12:56 PM link/comments
All right. Listen up, Bill. When you get back online, I want proof of this Springer death thing.
Last night, he was like, "Nooo, dahling, of coohse sumwin wos killed on Springeh. The Ginny Jones thing wos something eelse entie-ahlee." Hee. It's fun to phonetically spell an Australian accent.
posted by Kate at 12:54 PM link/comments
As a talk show junkie, I feel fairly confident that Bill is either messing with you for unexplained reasons or has been taken in by an urban legend himself. I'm not going to bet my life on it though - it turns out that Nick was right when he said Peter Gabrial was in Genesis with Phil Collins. Who knew? I told him he was nuts. I was wrong. My confidence is shattered. I'm sure you will all now post that OF COURSE Peter Gabrail was in Genesis, DUH!
Or maybe the Australian version goes a little farther than here and they broadcast a show that neer aired in the States.
posted by Holly at 12:33 PM link/comments
Here now is a transpacific message:
Fellow blogger Bill will be MIA for awhile. He and his employer have parted ways, rendering him laptop-less for the time being. He is, however, in the process of moving into a new pad with two 21-year-old female nurses *insert stereotypical male fantasies here* and reports that New Abode contains a computer. He vows to return soon.
Hey, speaking of, I was talking to Bill on the phone last night and he was insisting that someone had gotten killed on the Jerry Springer Show. I had heard not word one about this; the only talkshow-related death I was privy to was the Jenny Jones "Secret Homosexual Crush Goes Awry" thing. Anyone?
posted by Kate at 11:17 AM link/comments
Hold on a second. Wasn't Hale Poet Laureate of Ohio for awhile? The R-C mentions his affection for poker, but not the poet laureate thing?
posted by Kate at 11:08 AM link/comments
Here now is a list of various countries whose inhabitants have viewed this blog. Numbers next to the country are the number of visitors:
United States 85; Australia 36; Saudi Arabia 6; United Kingdom 6; Canada 5; Egypt 2; Iceland 1; Indonesia 1; Pakistan 1; Thailand 1; United Arab Emirates 1.
Of our yankee countrymen, here is the list of states who've taken time to read us:
Ohio 40; California 8; Massachusetts 5; Arkansas 4; Texas 3; Florida 2; Iowa 2; Maryland 2; New York 2; Virginia 2; Alaska 1; Colorado 1; Connecticut 1; District of Columbia 1; Georgia 1; Illinois 1; Indiana 1; Maine 1; Michigan 1; Montana 1; New Mexico 1; North Carolina 1; Oregon 1; Rhode Island 1; West Virginia 1.
posted by Kate at 9:13 AM link/comments
So strange. I feel really bad about Hale, though I can't say I ever thought he was a stellar teacher. I'm assuming by the obit that he died of cancer. I automatically assumed it was some cardiac thing from that girth he carried around. I wonder what they'll do with his leather vest and suspenders.
All poetry is about sex and death. --Hale Chatfield
posted by Kate at 8:57 AM link/comments
HEY KIDS -- Hale Chatfield is dead. Here's the obit from today's Record Courier.
Eugene Chatfield, 64
Eugene Hale Chatfield, 64, of Huntsburg, died Thursday, Nov. 23, 2000, at Geauga Regional Hospital. Born March 26, 1936, in Pacaik, N.J., he was the son of Wilson and Anne (Webster) Chatfield. He lived in the area for 30 years. Mr. Chatfield was a Professor Emeritus of English at Hiram College. He received a bachelor's degree from Wesleyan University and a masters degree from Rutgers University. He belonged to the American Association of University Professors and was its president in 1997. He also belonged to the Ohio Poets, the Cleveland League of Poets, the National Organization of Women, the American Civil Liberties Union and the Society for Science and Literature. He wrote 12 books and numerous scholarly articles. He enjoyed computer programming, fishing and playing poker. Survivors include his wife, Denise (Zadeik), whom he married June 22, 1957 in New York City; sons, Stephen of Rhode Island, Peter (Sallie) of Maryland and Alexander (Julie) of Florida; daughter, Jennifer (Robert) Wagner of Westlake; seven grandchildren; and brother George (Anne) of Virginia. Cremation has taken place. A memorial service will be held at 11 a.m. Wednesday at Christ Church Episcopal, 21 Aurora St., Hudson with Stephen B. Smith officiating. Memorials may be made to Christ Church new building fund or to the American Cancer Society. Russell Funeral Service in Middlefield is handling the arrangements.
posted by Jen at 2:01 AM link/comments
Monday, November 27, 2000
What is even better is that Joaquin then said he would start sending Brian progressively more desperate and disjointed e-mails requesing money. I love Joaquin.
posted by Holly at 2:06 PM link/comments
When the hell was Joaquin a cadaver instructor? Was this before or after he joined the anarchist marching band? So Bri-Dog Hanna told me that Joaquin was, like, a smack addict or something. Then Holly saw him when she was visiting Erin and Kim in Portland, and when she mentioned what Brian had said, Joaquin began screaming and laughing hysterically and denied any sort of hard-drug addiction. Where the hell does Brian get his information? Paully darling, you weren't possibly fucking with his head again, were you?
posted by Kate at 1:42 PM link/comments
joaquin used to teach people how to dissect cadavers. can you imagine? he had a mohawk and that manical glint in his eye, and he was saying things like, "now slice through the eyeball and pull out the lens. he-he-he-he-he. it bounces. watch it bounce. he he he."
stephen, i know you like for people to welcome you and give you love, but the sad truth about this blogger thing seems to be that everyone just sort of jumps in with strange anecdotes like dead lizards in otherwise empty trashcans, and then they jump back out again. guerilla blogging, it's called. so just latch onto a strange and/or creepy anecdote and leap before you look.
in other news, im now getting mail addressed to "Paul Cockeram, Iowa State University, Dept of English" and it makes me feel like the fucking bomb. im going to ask for free books from St. Martin's press, and then if i use them for my class next term i'll get love and free books from the company, and my students will hate me for making them buy expensive books. im drunk on power.
Holly: SUE THAT BITCH WHAT HIT YO ASS. THEN SUE YOUR WORKPLACE FOR THE ANKLE THING. THEN GO ON VACATION.
posted by Paully at 1:16 PM link/comments
Somehow, this makes medical school sound a lot less sexy than Flatliners made it appear.
posted by Holly at 10:02 AM link/comments
Here I am, back in Cleveland and planted firmly in front of my trusty at-work computer, which pleases me because it's hooked up to a T3 line. No modem, no silly slow connections. The last few days, I've had to endure many a modem-sound episode. This all goes to show that I have truly graduated into the world of hopeless geek. I have to use a dial-up connection, and I feel like I'm trapped in an archaic world. Like my keyboard should be constructed of Brontosaurus teeth and I should be wearing a mastadon hyde instead of my chic new sleeveless turtleneck sweater from Lerner New York.
On a related note, said chic sweater is making my neck itch. Why is it that the only clothes I own which make me truly comfortable are the ones that make me look like some sort of balkan refugee?
I think one of the high points of being home was listening to cousin Eric's stories of medical school (he's a first-year at Jefferson in Philadelphia). I did not know this about medical school, but an average team of med students gets one cadaver at the beginning of every semester, and that's it. No fresh dead folks. So med students have the responsibility of delaying the decay process, which I find a bit creepy. My cousin's stiff is named Bertha. She died at 70 from a burst colon. Eric went into detail about this *ahem* unpleasant cause of death, but I will spare all readers the details because there is absolutely nothing entertaining about them. What was entertaining was his story of how, during a leg amputation, my cousin (who was assigned the task of holding the dead woman's leg in the air) ended up losing his footing and breaking her deceased hip. This caused the poor soul who was sawing the leg to slice too deeply, thereby completely severing the leg, at which point my cousin went flying across the room holding a severed leg above his head.
Eric also lamented because another team of students stole a breast from his team's cadaver. Apparently, the dastardly devils also got away with part of a trachea.
posted by Kate at 9:38 AM link/comments
Saturday, November 25, 2000
Memorable Quotes from the Foster Thanksgiving Celebration:
"He gets all these girls on there and then he compliments them on how naked they are." -Kate's Grandma Teklinski, on Howard Stern
"Do Australians speak English?"-Kate's Great Aunt Mary, 86, during a discussion of Steve the "Croc Hunter" from the Animal Planet network
"Katy needs to get laid. She hasn't even been kissed in over a year." - Kate's Gay Cousin Eric, to an entire room full of relatives.
posted by Kate at 2:42 PM link/comments
Why, oh, why, does Blogger not function properly from my parents' computer?
posted by Kate at 2:15 PM link/comments
Ack.
posted by Kate at 2:14 PM link/comments
If you decide not to sue her, I don't think your reasoning should have anything to do with "karma." Life rarely has anything to do with hippie rationale as far as I'm concerned, but of course, I could just be bitter. I say sue her ass. Just on principle. She needs to know that she can't get away with it. But that's just my opinion.
If you think the links Bill posted are bad, you should see the one he sent me two nights ago dealing with (are you ready for this?) Haggis Sex. For some reason, I didn't commit the link to memory, but after he reads this, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to share the url of the site having to do with farm animal innard/Scottish delicacy affectations.
Holly, I'm glad to hear that you'll once again be able to park the truck in the driveway.
posted by Kate at 2:13 PM link/comments
I must also agree with Melinda, Billy. You are a sick man. I read the instructions for the dog sex thing about halfway through, prayingfor there to be a "oh by the way, this is a joke, it's not like I'm serious or anything," but it didn't seem to be coming.
posted by Holly at 12:16 PM link/comments
Okay, update. Steve (Bobodaddy, not Spiderman) has "fixed" my truck. It's still messed up, but I can get it up and down driveways and it isn't going to fall off. I can ignore if I want to. The credit card thing is slightly more difficult. I went through my statements, and it's looking like I counted one of my deposits twice in my head (which could account for the missing money, it was never there. Which still confuses me, but hey, all the charges seem right, and it's about 600 off of what I thought it would be. My paychecks are 640, so I'm guessing that's what happened.) Anyway, this still doesn't answer the question of why my check to the credit card folk didn't bounce - it just never got there. It must have legitamitely been lost in the mail. Which is still fucked up. I've CLAIMED things have been lost in the mail, but it's never really happened.
So, I send a check to credit people (no problem) and that is settled (I guess).
Now - lunchtime poll: The uninsured bitch that hit my car. She has lowered the value on my car. It may need fixing in the future. She is very smug about the whole thing and hasn't, by the way, even said SORRY! But going through a court case wouldn't help, probably, and just take time. So, do I let her get away with it because I am lazy? Mom said that I am obviously already suffering from bad karma and I shouldn't make it worse. What do you all think?
posted by Holly at 12:14 PM link/comments
Friday, November 24, 2000
Billy, you are a sick, sick man. Even if there is someone out there who takes things like sex with dogs seriously, we do'nt need people to propogate those ideas. It's like a car accident. You've got to slow down to look.
Happy Turkey Day to all, except for the sicko from Australia, who doesn't get to celebrate this marvelous holiday. Raspberries to you.
I'm off, back to my family's house of madness for more excitement. We're just getting started. I hope everyone else has had a lovely break with their families. If it hasn't been so lovely, I'm glad you're almost done.
posted by Melinda at 2:02 PM link/comments
Thursday, November 23, 2000
A New Fun Way to Stretch your Ballsac for Pleasure and Profit i'm sorry - i couldn't resist.......
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 5:32 PM link/comments
Wednesday, November 22, 2000
Holly - advice from the king......
sue
all
of
their
asses
really, i'm serious - this is America isn't it? You should
a) sue your work because regardless of wether they did or not, it was their responsibility to sign you up for health insurance. Sue them for all of your out of pocket expenses and for "mental pain and anguish", that should be good for a million or so, then
b) you can buy a new truck, and pay for someone to drive a bulldozer over the stupid bitch that hit your car's house and
c) credit card companies don't fuck with millionaires. You could also
d) buy a new family full of interesting, gorgeous baywatch extras. Finally,
e) Kate, please don't talk about sucking dog's knobs unless you're suitably qualified.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 4:39 PM link/comments
I'm so sorry, Holly. As for the truck, I don't know what to tell you other than to keep at her. Eventually, they'll have to garnish her wages, but it will take forever.
As for your leg, you really need to talk to someone in your office and see if they can do something. It's their fault this happened, not yours, and they should pay for it.
The credit card company: Ask your bank to issue you a copy of the cancelled check. Once you get the copy, get in touch with your credit card company and tell them you need to fax them the cancelled check to prove you paid. That should take care of it. If your company cashed a check that was written in your name, they have to credit your account. If they give you trouble, call a lawyer. It probably won't get to that point, though. You don't have to go to the bank to get a copy of the cancelled check; find the bank's phone number in the phonebook and call them.
As for a reason to live, I can just say that we love you, so that should be enough. Life's circumstances are sucking dog knobs right now, but at least you have friends with whom you can make caustic, biting, hilarious conversation.
posted by Kate at 2:55 PM link/comments
Oh, and another reason: I had to work through lunch today so I am starving and have no way to eat until I get home.
By the way, just for the excitable types (Katy), I am not really planning on killing myself.
posted by Holly at 2:51 PM link/comments
Okay: This is why my life sucks and I want to die.
One: 4 months ago I broke my ankle and I'm just getting back to walking right again. It cost about $2,000 because even though I supposed to be insured through my company, they forgot to sign me up.
Two: Last week Zack was driving my car and was hit by an uninsured driver. The damage was estimated to be $500, which means it will end up costed $750. The bitch is now saying that she doesn't have it, and suing won't help because she doesn't even start her job until Monday. I'm going to sue anyway, but I don't think anything will come from it. I will spend a lot of time and money and will MAYBE get SOME money in a few years. I don't have any money to fix it now and the bumper is about to fall off. I'm not sure the car is even worth fixing. I am fucked.
Three: My credit card company called me to say they had put a stop on my card because they have not recieved payment. I sent a $700 check 3 weeks ago. The money left my account. Last night I was going to go to the bank but the blizzard changed my mind. I left for work 1.5 hours early today so I could go to the bank. It doesn't open until 10 though, so again I was fucked.
Four (or maybe just a continuation of three): I have $2,500 in checks in my purse right now. I have no money in the bank. None. My credit card has been turned off. It is looking like I lost my check card in New York City, so I can't even deposit them without there being an OPEN bank. I am so fucked.
Five: Tonight I have to go to the bank, find out what the fuck happened to my 700 dollars, pack for two loely nights at home in the bosem of my tedious, crushingly boring and mean family, and then try to drive my truck with it's misbehaving brakes and bumper which has a 50/50 chance of falling off at any given moment for three hours to get home. Hopefully it will not snow again.
So. If anyone can come up with a reason for a) why I deserve this or b) why should I live, please send them to "The Cursed Girl" at PO BOX 1234, imsofuct, suckiland 44120.
posted by Holly at 2:37 PM link/comments
Hey, I think I saw that cookie crumbler guy (go to that link in Kate's post) massaging a pork loin during my last 3 a.m. trip to the grocery. Deviance! Uncouth immorality! First cookies, then meat, next our children, our embryos, our DNA. When will these people stop...send them to Alcatraz, to Borneo, to Wonderbread Bakery Thrift Shops. Just get them out of Aisle Ten.
How to know when you're going to have a very strange day: When you sign into Blogger and there is a message from Kate about finding "what appears to be some sort of newt or salamander lying dead in the otherwise empty trash can." Holy shit, did you run screaming? That's X-files territory.
posted by Jen at 12:57 AM link/comments
Tuesday, November 21, 2000
I had heard something about this a few months ago. I'm so glad it's still considered newsworthy.
posted by Kate at 3:44 PM link/comments
How to Know You're About to Have a Very Strange Day: You walk into your office to find what appears to be some form of newt or salamander lying dead in your otherwise-empty trash can.
What the hell.
posted by Kate at 9:38 AM link/comments
Sunday, November 19, 2000
Here's a fun fact from the glorious Midwest: Iowa is #1 in the nation when it comes to people over the age of 85. I read that in the paper today. On the same page was a story about an Iowa fireman who is 92. Yeah, I want that guy responding to my 911 call. It's as scary as knowing that a handful of old dodderers from Florida cast the key presidential votes. Also, I drank soy beer this weekend.
posted by Jen at 7:16 PM link/comments
Hello Stephen.
You are very strange
Welcome.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 6:23 PM link/comments
Holly's BACK! Whoo-Hoo! Holly I'm so glad you had a good time but we all missed you. So when are we as a house gonna go visit so you, Kate, and Jen can seduce some HOT-BODIED foriegn philosophy men? Not to mention Mike and Zack hooking up with some international whoa!-men that are intellegent and play instruments. *Shawn, we believe you now*
posted by Stephen at 4:21 PM link/comments
Don't Worry. Don't worry, man. I'm not gonna DO what everyone thinks I'm gonna DO. FLIP OUT MAN!!! I'll I wanna know is who's gonna say hi to me. Who's GONNA man? Cmon who's gonna say hi? *Silence...Movement from a far out cool babe about 28 posts from here.* ((Kate says hi and welcome)) Thank you...Kate!!! Yeah!!! This is Kate, man!!! This is her place man!!! Yeah!!! You all can just pass out and eat dust bunnies in your keyboard, man!!! Kate RULES!!! Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves. Adhere to your little code about not postin a response to the new guy, you uptight wanks! I have arrived and I pick up radio stations in my head you only wish you got here on earth! Beware all ye bloggers who post here.
posted by Stephen at 4:10 PM link/comments
Saturday, November 18, 2000
Ok.... what follows are snippets from the Captain Morgans Web site... and the bored activites of this person at 8 am on Saturday morning.
Enjoy.
posted by Mike at 7:52 AM link/comments
Though the US dollar is strong abroad, some busy executives can't spare the time to go away. Seeing a niche market, former travel agent Tom Hansen formed "Pretend Vacation Packages," a pseudo-travel company that lets you pretend you're in a foreign country. As you go about your day, Pretend Vacations employees go with you, pretending not to understand your English, or replying in heavy accents with bad grammar. For an extra fee, Pretend will supply you with chits of Pretend foreign currency so that money exchanges are slightly confusing. In their deluxe package, Pretend will even supply you with a home version of traveler's diarrhea.
posted by Mike at 7:51 AM link/comments
Though the US dollar is strong abroad, some busy executives can't spare the time to go away. Seeing a niche market, former travel agent Tom Hansen formed "Pretend Vacation Packages," a pseudo-travel company that lets you pretend you're in a foreign country. As you go about your day, Pretend Vacations employees go with you, pretending not to understand your English, or replying in heavy accents with bad grammar. For an extra fee, Pretend will supply you with chits of Pretend foreign currency so that money exchanges are slightly confusing. In their deluxe package, Pretend will even supply you with a home version of traveler's diarrhea.
posted by Mike at 7:50 AM link/comments
The world of sports is in mourning today as the world of Funny Cars was found to simply be "not funny". The issue came to a head when the International Federation of Funny Car Owners and Drivers (IFFCOD) hired an independent research firm to answer the age old question, "Just how funny are our funny cars?" Expecting the cars to be up on the scale with a "Pie in the Face," the IFFCOD was shocked to learn that funny cars ranked far below the lowest ranking "Knock-Knock Jokes Told By Three-Year-Olds That Just Don't Make Sense." In response the Federation has hired a consultant to help them market their newly dubbed "Pathetically Sad Cars."
posted by Mike at 7:48 AM link/comments
You may have heard the term "800 Pound Gorilla" in reference to a powerful person able to exert pressure in the business world, but some firms have taken this term literally by actually hiring 800 pound gorillas to handle their negotiations. Though the gorillas lack a keen grasp on issues such as debt restructuring, they have proven to be incredibly effective in merger talks. As one example, Joe Sena, CEO of Sena Manufacturing, explained why he agreed to sell his $20 million interest in his company for a total of 25 cents: "If I didn't agree, they were gonna let that gorilla rip my arms off!" The SEC is investigating this practice.
posted by Mike at 7:47 AM link/comments
The United States government is at a standstill today after Congress passed legislation making "Engliah" the official language. Since the law states that official US business can only be conducted in "Engliah, which does not exist, the government is unable to do anything. Through unofficial channels the government has contacted language experts at major universities to develop an "Engliah" language so that the government can get back to work.
posted by Mike at 7:46 AM link/comments
In a press release, Death, the CEO of Underworld/After Life Almalgamated, inc. announced plans to trade in his scythe for a thresher as a means to "boost productivity in the bringing of souls to their eternal resting place." Underworld said it had no plans to update it's logo as the scythe has valuable brand recognition having been used since "the dawn of time." After an initial dip due to concerns that thresher acquisitions will affect capitalization, shares of Underworld closed up 3 percent.
posted by Mike at 7:46 AM link/comments
Friday, November 17, 2000
The weather forecast for Cleveland *long sigh*
posted by Kate at 3:13 PM link/comments
Poor Paully. Bondage can be such a pain.
It's snowing like a bitch and I've had it with my rear-wheel-drive vehicle. *sigh*
posted by Kate at 1:48 PM link/comments
im just checking in here. sometimes i think you all love me. and then jen ties me to the chair with my own belt. then i think, it's time to kick some jen ass.
i'll be back after im done kicking some jen ass. and after i figure out hot to get out of my chair.
posted by Paully at 12:44 AM link/comments
Thursday, November 16, 2000
AHA !!! I knew it was true - Americans all - start quaking in yer booties - here comes President Thurmond !!!!!President Thurmond's Cabinet
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 9:07 PM link/comments
That is wonderful. Well, I'm taking a day off from New York. My ankle is killing me, and I needed some alone time. By this time in Portland I was going nuts. Thankfully, Sean and Nick are nicer about leaving me alone than my dear Momma. I have been having a great time - I really think we might look into moving here. There are definate down points though... On the whole I like New York very much. It is not a comfortable city. When you go out, it is always crowded, people are going at a very fast pace and you shoould conduct your business (whether it be walking, ordering, or getting on the subway) as quickly as possible to get the hell out of everyone elses way. Oddly, I like this. Melinda, however, would be in absolute hell. If you do not order immediatly when approached by a waiter, they walk away only to return to you when they feel you have been adequately punished. The people on the subway all have hunted looks on their faces. I go back and forth between thinking this is sad and thinking this is great. Think about it - the story is only exciting when the heros are struggling. After everything is all right they end happily ever after, which I suppose is nice if they promise not to show you slides of it. I hope everyone is okay and the cats are getting fed. You have to make sure Azrael gets the seperate dish - or Lazarus turns into a piggy bully and takes it.
posted by Holly at 12:10 PM link/comments
Oh, my God. This is fantastic. My boss sent me this. Just one more advantage to having an intelligent, well-travelled Canadian for a supervisor.
COSEQUENCES OF FAILURE TO ELECT A PRESIDENT
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. (Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.)
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
posted by Kate at 9:15 AM link/comments
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Some hapless surfer landed at this blog by doing an AOLsearch for the words "clinically insane." That rules. Keep up the good work, folks.
posted by Kate at 4:35 PM link/comments
It seems we've truly gotten ourselves some international appeal here on the blog. Either that or people around the globe have been mistakenly running into the tripe we post on this page. Today's visitors have included folks from Canada (Saskatoon and Winnipeg) and from Reykjavik, Iceland. We've also had drop-ins from Denver and from someplace in West Virginia I'd never heard of. Please, you people, email me and simply say hello. It's winter in Cleveland and I'm bored as hell. Humor me.
posted by Kate at 1:39 PM link/comments
Ack! The filthy, stinking, long-haired, hippie-ass motherfucking piano player for our dance department has been coming in here all day asking for ridiculous information and being a big piece of shit wanker. I hate this man with every fiber of my being
posted by Kate at 1:06 PM link/comments
This kicks ass. (A portion of the column by Barbara Ehrenreich in the Nov. 20 issue of Time)
"So back off, Democratic avengers. Nader didn't steal Gore's election; he just mobilized some of the mounting disgust for money-polluted politics, with its battery-operated candidates and look-alike, corporate-welfare-state policies, whether they're labeled Democratic or Republican. All right, maybe the Republican disguise worked for the Democrats in 1992. But if you go around long enough in camouflage clothes, you're eventually going to be mistaken for, well, a bush."
posted by Kate at 9:27 AM link/comments
I like it, Bill. It's my favorite so far -- fish rock.
Jen, I would have thought that Betty and Leonard would have been tipped off to your pinko status when they realized you didn't eat meat. Only commies are vegetarians, you know. Make those overachiever would-be speedreaders take in some Ralph Nader, then watch them twitch as they struggle with the ethical dilemma of making money vs. selling out to the corporate cock. Then again, I doubt anything Ralphie ever said would sink into the thick skull of a marketing student.
posted by Kate at 9:24 AM link/comments
Tuesday, November 14, 2000
bah - after seventeen hours of stuffing about with the template, notepad, frontpage and various other implements, my new design is online - and damn if it aint sexy......
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 11:38 PM link/comments
Kate -- I used to have rabbits. They are all dead now.
My dynamic duo bosses, Betty and Leonard of speed reading fame and fortune, voted for Bush, because Leonard thought that under President Gore, we'd all be sending 75% of our paychecks to the tax man. So B and L voted for the GW, who smart folks in Texas call Shrub, not Bush. I think Betty is starting to catch on that I'm one of those commie liberals who voted for one of those commie third parties. Today she asked me what I thought about the election chaos, and I said that we ought to call in the UN to oversee our corrupt voting system. She laughed heartily, and I was like, "no, I'm serious." So I'm going to slowly start sneaking revolutionary reading material into the esteemed halls of the American Reading Academy, and by 2004, all my speed reading prodigies will have read so much counter-culture material that the GOP won't stand a chance.
posted by Jen at 10:44 PM link/comments
It seems we've been having a silent visitor from Germany. Email me, you incognito Deutschlander.
posted by Kate at 4:04 PM link/comments
i can get to fiji and stay in a four star resort for five days for like $800............
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 3:49 PM link/comments
So my left palm has been doing this weird throbbing pain/twitching thing all day. I hope it's from incessant typing, but I'm beginning to fear that I have some sort of bunny-transmitted disease. Little bastard probably gave me some sort of nerve-infecting bacteria or something.
posted by Kate at 2:22 PM link/comments
Arrrrgggghhhh! 36 degrees out, wind chill of 16, goddam snow flurries. Can we please get the hell out of Cleveland now??? I really must be an idiot, putting up with this mid-atlantic/mid-western climate for the past 24 years. I had forgotten about one of the worst parts of winter: sore ears. I've been at my desk for half an hour now and my ears are finally devoid of excruciating pain. I think we should all go here.
posted by Kate at 9:14 AM link/comments
I always publish for you. All of you. Because you are so special to me *Kathie Lee Gifford music swells in the background* and I thank you, Lord Jesus Christ, in your infinite mercy, for sending me these bloggers, so that I may spend my days writing stupid shit online when I should be writing websites. Can I get an amen????
posted by Kate at 9:02 AM link/comments
Monday, November 13, 2000
gah listen up technophobes - hit the "Post & Publish" button - not the "Post" button. I get sick of sitting here all day thinking that none of you love me and then getting in to blogger and finding out that you HAVE posted, you just haven't PUBLISHED
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 11:23 PM link/comments
God bless the use of the phrase :"wobbly bits". God bless.
Other news. Not much.
Spent three hours lsat night in heated debate with Dad over how to seat 47 people for Thanksgiving dinner. Anyone have any suggestions? The room is 18' by 21'. We can rent any number of 8' or 6' tables. Send me a valid diagram an I'll send you a dollar.
posted by Melinda at 4:46 PM link/comments
Political hypocrisy at its best: The Republicans have filed for a federal injunction to stop the hand-counting of ballots in Florida. Hmmm. Aren't these the same Republicans who are always crying about how we have to put more faith in local and state governments and keep federal involvement to a minimum? Yet they can't trust the state of Florida to carry out its own business?
posted by Kate at 9:55 AM link/comments
by Kate Foster
4:00 p.m.: Former Housemate Nat and his girlfriend Amanda have gone to Boston for the weekend. It is my task to go to their apartment to check on, play with, and feed their pet bunny, whose name is Thor.
4:30 p.m.: Arrive at Nat and Amanda's. Let self into apartment and proceed to spare room, where bunny cage is kept.
4:32 p.m.: Open cage door to get food container. Rabbit rockets self out of cage, leaps across room, and bolts behind sofa.
4:33 p.m.: Decide rabbit will be OK for a minute. Refill food dish.
4:36 p.m.: Begin process of rabbit extraction. Manage to chase rabbit from behind sofa using sharp wit and a long-handled feather duster. Take rabbit into kitchen, which is blocked off by cardboard partitions to allow for free-range bunny roaming.
4:40 p.m.: Decide to let rabbit bounce around kitchen for awhile. In meantime, get self glass of soda and flip through channels.
4:55 p.m.: Nothing on TV worth watching. Decide that because Amanda is extremely fond of pet rabbit, will attempt to play with and bestow affection upon rabbit.
4:56 p.m.: Walk into kitchen, approach bunny, and scoop him up. Bunny is having none of this. Bunny begins flailing about. Bunny has sharp claws. Manage to return bunny to kitchen floor without hurling him across the room.
4:58 p.m.: Inspect hands. Bunny has effectively torn through left palm and back of right hand. Left palm is grotesque and bleeding. Notice blood dripping onto linoleum floor.
5:00 p.m.: Wash hands in kitchen sink, wrap left hand in paper towel, and begin 15-minute search for first-aid items.
5:15 p.m.: Locate first-aid kit in hall closet. Clean wounds with alcohol swabs. Whimper in pain. Place bandages on wounds.
5:22 p.m.: Return first-aid kit to closet. Look at left hand. Notice that blood has already soaked first bandage.
5:23 p.m.: Grab paper towels and apply extreme pressure to hand. Bleeding slows.
5:32 p.m.: Re-bandage hand.
5:40 p.m.: Go to balcony of apartment to smoke cigarette. Quietly curse bunny for duration of smoke.
5:47 p.m.: Return to inside apartment. Know that must return bunny to cage before leaving. Am not particularly relishing thought of getting near bunny. Decide I must somehow protect hands.
5:55 p.m.: Locate oven mitt on side of refrigerator. Can only find one oven mitt. Affix mit to right hand and place more injured left hand behind back to remind self not to use it. Begin comical, one-handed, 10-minute chase of bunny.
6:05 p.m.: Locate other oven mitt atop refrigerator. Manage to capture bunny.
6:08 p.m.: Escort evil bunny to spare room. As am lowering bunny toward cage, bunny goes spastic, leaps out of hands, and bolts behind Nat's computer desk.
6:07 p.m.: Realize bunny is chewing on Nat's computer's electrical cables. Manage to extract bunny with aforementioned feather duster.
6:12 p.m.: Return hell's bunny to cage.
6:15 p.m.: Go home and spend evening watching movies: Beyond the Mat (WWF documentary. hee.) and Run Lola Run.
posted by Kate at 9:18 AM link/comments
Ah, good. Holly has made it safely to New York. Hollybear, I hope your trip was pleasant and, more importantly, relatively painless.
posted by Kate at 8:55 AM link/comments
Sunday, November 12, 2000
Lovin New York - we are going to move here. No word on booty yet, only been here a few...will write more later. Here. Safe. Later.
Sean says hi. He looks good, but (here is the grandma in me) WAY TOO THIN! He's lost weight!
posted by sean at 10:25 PM link/comments
I'm not so sure it would be a good idea to put Paul on prozac. Christ, think of how many cowboy cocks would have gone un-drawn and un-superglued if it weren't for brilliant minds like Paul's. There really should be more cowboy cock in my life. Wait. What the hell am I saying ...
So last night was very strange. We went for a few drinks at Cleveland's Euclid Tavern (kinda altera/punk dive with really disgusting bathrooms and the mild omnipresent odor of years' worth of cigarettes, booze, urine and puke hanging in the air. don't ask me why I like the place.) When we got there, the place was virtually empty, but it gradually began to fill and we were informed that there was some sort of CWRU fraternity/sorority gathering happening that night. Holly immediately went into the throes of severe apoplexy and informed me, in no uncertain terms, that we would be going somewhere else now, please. In the meanwhile, Jen was flirting with this (my opinion) horrific man named Rob. Rob's stats: Incredibly attractive black man, long dredlocks, firm body, looked like he should appear in one of those nauseating Interview magazine fashion spreads, wearing a leather jacket that said "Player" on the back. *gag* Nevertheless, Jen was somehow captivated by this horrifying member of the male species and wanted to stay at the Euc to continue her persual of said dickhead. Holly, Steve, and I said "fuck dis shit" and proceeded to hoof a couple of blocks to the Barking Spider Tavern, whose musical act of the evening was an middle-aged man who sang folk songs about a man having a ... er ... rather taboo relationship with horse. The man played on. Holly and I spent the performance drinking cheap beer from plastic cups and exchanging looks that clearly said, "Well. It could be worse. At least we're not still at the Euc." In the meantime, Steve (Our newest addition to the Blog. Welcome, Steve!)struck up a conversation with two Ethiopian physics students and vowed to someday take them dancing in the Flats. (Point of Reference for the Australian: During the opening credits of the Drew Carey Show, Drew and his pals are seen dancing on an outdoor deck at night, right as his voice reverberates "Ohio" at the end. That's The Flats.) After the Barking Spider announced last call, our trio returned to the Euc to retrieve Jen, who was standing drunkenly outside the tavern in a heated argument with a black guy wearing a substantial hair babushka/dew-rag thing. Jen's contention was that she wanted to see his hair; the man (who had apparently earlier felt Jen up and stolen her cigarettes) was having none of it. We grabbed Jen and headed for the car.
Arriving home, we treated ourselves to some herbal baking and Holly and I headed for bed. I decided to spend the night in Holly's room because our downstairs heat is on the fritz and my room was fucking freezing. Holly and I went to bed. About 10 minutes later, I decided to get up and use the bathroom. On my way out of her room, I tripped on something and fell face-first into her closet door. Managed to protect face, but hammered my ribs on Holly's dresser. Now I have a five-inch-square bruise on my left ribcage and it hurts like an unholy bitch.
Holly left this morning to visit Sean in New York City. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that she manages to get her long-fingernailed hands on some choice metropolitan booty. We're all pulling for you, babe.
posted by Kate at 3:42 PM link/comments
a) Holly - you know - i guess that if you're dealing with old, overweight Mid Westerners every day and being forced to pummel and massage their wobbly bits, somebody "firm" might be a welcome addition to your life.... the upper thigh massage has me worried, then again who am i to say what benefit upper thigh massages might have to the ankles? (mental note - query thekate on upper thigh massage techniques - who knows, i might even get a demo) b) thank you all for your takes on "The Dreamer" - personally, i didn't even read his fuckng website - the nom de plume was enough for me. c) sean, the only perfect country in the world is Australia, and even that is teetering on the brink. Did you know i can't get Ben 'n Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk here? d) damn it's hard to type and smoke at the same time. e) paully - one word - prozac. f) Kate, I love you. Marry me and thekate. g) appear to be teetering on the brink of two phantasmagorical jobs, both of which will take a while to come to fruition, but cross your bits for me. h) just had a mental block as to which letter comes after "g" in the alphabet - for fuck's sake i'm a professional writer. i) Australian take on current state of US election - "So it's going to end in the courts? Oh how very appropriate" *chortle* you crazy Americans you..... j) *kisses*
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 8:03 AM link/comments
Saturday, November 11, 2000
From Zack "The Dreamer"
I think this dreamer guy is right on. I mean... maybe blue to me is red to you. That's deep. Damn... it's worth hours of thought. And I want you all to know that Holly looks great when she bounces. Oh my... just thinking about it makes me want to write a poem. And I also want to say that all of this election stuff is just silly. Why don't we just have two presidents? It would be nice. So lets all just join hands and hug and drink some Cool-Ade so that the aliens can pick us up as they swing past earth behind the next commet? That would be nice.
posted by Zachariah Broomfondle at 6:33 PM link/comments
Oops one more post. In reference to the competent attractive man theory. If it were true then why were all the women in the house not fawning over Mike for his recent and obvious competency accomplishments in the House Bills Category?
posted by Stephen at 4:28 PM link/comments
Holly- Your therapist wants you. I don't know what he's like but anyone telling you to bounce more? It's pretty obvious what he is thinking about.
Everyone=
This is in honor of our unfaithful politicians
(All this electiion talk is getting to me) Tribute to the Kennedy's
So, a song is in order for some of our best ready? A one, and a two, and a three, and AAAAHHHH
Your mother is dead and your father is dead
and your brother is dead and your brother is dead
and your brother is dead and your ex-wife's a drunk
and your kid has one leg, and your car doesn't float.
THE END (still need help with plane crash verse any opinions?)
posted by Stephen at 4:21 PM link/comments
Whoa... you guys.
Whoa.
posted by Zachariah Broomfondle at 1:36 PM link/comments
Friday, November 10, 2000
this dreamer guy--hold onto him. let's make him our mascot. we can invite him over and have him give readings of his deep thoughts. while he's reading we'll all sit in a semiciricle and say things like, "wow the dreamer, that one was really profound," or "holy shit, the dreamer, i have to press my naked body against you now." then the women can make eyes at him, and mike b. can show him his nipple (oh the memories--im going blind just thinking about it). then when the dreamer has wet himself because he's never been this close to a woman who wasnt his sister (or his niece that one time after thanksgiving dinner when everyone was cleaning up and he copped a feel around the turkey carcas she carried to the kitchen), and we can say, "hey the dreamer, dont fret. this pants-pissing ritual happens all the time around here. why, just look." and then we can all piss our pants so the dreamer doesnt feel out of place. then, just when he thinks we've accepted him into our group, we can have a slumber party and watch all his favorite prison movies (probably a fifty-fifty split between Earnest Goes to Jail and Caged Heat 16), and when he falls asleep we can shave his balls and crazy glue eyes to them, and dress his penis up like a hilarious nose, and put a cowboy hat on his chode, and then we can drug him and lock him outside and call the police.
i havent thought past calling the police, though, so we'll have to make sure our fastest talker is available when they arrive and demand an explanation about the profound artist with the cowboy cock passed out on our front lawn. our fastest talker will be there to say something witty yet obvious, like "we're not sure who he is, officer, but i think he's catching a cold--look at his nose drip!" then everyone can laugh together like at the end of a scooby doo episode where scooby leaps into shaggy's arms because a mouse walks in front of the candle and its shadow looks like some damned demon beast. cause when everyone laughs like that, it's usually time for the episode to end, and cops can sense this, and then theyll leave. or we can hunt down Dolemite and make him one of our own, cause he dont take no crap from cracker pigs no-how.
on second thought, we could just call Dolemite to begin with and have him beat the hell out of the dreamer. "the dreamer," we'll say, "your time has come. fuck cows, stinky man!" and Dolemite will come out with his kung-fu hookers and lay fucking waste to that guy.
posted by Paully at 11:41 PM link/comments
Today is the ugliest day I've seen in northeast Ohio for a long time. If the ground opened and Satan's minions came streaming furiously onto Euclid Avenue, I would not be the slightest bit surprised.
posted by Kate at 3:04 PM link/comments
Today on Springer: My Therapist is a Perv.
Hmmm. If he had just said it was nice to have someone young to work on, I'd say let's give him the benefit of the doubt. His use of the word "firm," however, makes me feel a bit nauseous. Maybe you should ask him what therapeutic benfit you are receiving from a thigh massage. If that doesn't answer the question, just grab him by the crank and see what happens.
I'm sorry. Superego has not yet returned from lunch. Please beat me with a mallet when I get home for using the word "crank" in reference to male genitalia.
posted by Kate at 2:37 PM link/comments
Crazy mad props to my man Mike for rolling with the world - I know you can do it.
Now: Holly's takes on The Dreamer's random thoughts (can you tell that making fun of this hapless sap is the ONLY thing that doesn't cause me stress today?)
TRANSLATIONS
I am what I am not
I have become what I never intended to be
My appearance, like my mannerisms; pretences.
OR:
Although I do not look, smell, or dress in an attractive manner, I am actually very sexy. If you do not see this, you are shallow.
How, may I ask, can a man break free from the confines of reality. is there a possibility that the
asylums are filled with the clinically sane or are the morally acceptable simply prisoners of
their own inability to cope with true fantasy.
Is it not our ability to dream which distinguish us from wild beasts.
OR:
Is it not our ability to end questions with questions marks that makes us grammatically correct? Most people in asylums are drooling catatonics who occasionally chew on themselves. This is not a fantasy I have that I do not have the courage to explore. Is it not the total ignorance of true mental illness that makes goths find it sexy?
Each day carries with it the possibility of a new beginning.
OR:
Okay, okay - I stole this from a Ziggy poster.
We no longer require our wits to survive.
We can simply mull along like leaches in a river of blood, feeding off our surroundings until
finally we drown in our own stupidity.
OR:
The fact that other people are more successful than I am is due to the fact that they are mindless yesmen without imagination. It is not due to the fact that I have been passed over for promotion due to my inability to wear a hairnet, keep my uniform shirts clean, or perform basic hygeine rituals
Man is attracted to sin like fly is to shit.
OR:
If I am crude, people will think I have balls.
posted by Holly at 2:25 PM link/comments
Ahhhh... sitting at home, checking out various Museum websites is much more pleasant than I thought it'd be... some intersting stuff out there.
For those not in the know... I'd like to say formally I was let go/resigned from my job yesterday.
This is a good thing, as I can now actually explore my true career options.
Like sweeping floors at a museum. :)
posted by Mike at 2:10 PM link/comments
For those who may be wondering - I had physical therapy this morning for my ankle. So the strange little man got PAID for groping me and inflicting his fetishic "therapy."
Lunchtime poll: Is my therapist a perv or am I being paranoid?
The evidence(?) of pervdom: He kept repeating (over two visits) how nice it was to have someone 'young and firm' to work with instead of his typically elderly clientele. He rubbed my leg at length above my knee. On both legs. Even the unharmed one. He kept saying "try to bounce more." I'm sure that he knows his job, I am getting better. But still...
posted by Holly at 2:00 PM link/comments
I must concur with Kate - I am so happy The Dreamer entered my life right now. I hate my job, the elections are making me crazy, I spent the morning doing incredibly painful things with rubber tubes with a strange man(and didn't even get an orgasm out of it) and am very, very stressed about EVERYTHING, and here comes this absolutely hysterical stereotype who thinks he is an iconoclast. I haven't had this much fun mocking someone since high school.
posted by Holly at 1:55 PM link/comments
I just downloaded "Life in a Northern Town" by Dream Academy. I can't help it. Gawd, I love this song.
posted by Kate at 1:27 PM link/comments
Here now are The Dreamer's "Random Thoughts." Below each random thought is a translation and/or smart-ass comment.
I am what I am not
I have become what I never intended to be
My appearance, like my mannerisms; pretences.
I am cryptic. "I am what I am not." This makes me deep. Only true artists will understand me. Those who say that I should not wear black leather chaps are shallow. Showering is for the foolish masses.
How, may I ask, can a man break free from the confines of reality. is there a possibility that the
asylums are filled with the clinically sane or are the morally acceptable simply prisoners of
their own inability to cope with true fantasy.
Is it not our ability to dream which distinguish us from wild beasts.
I am so fucking clever. What if the insane are actually sane? If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound? Is the way I see red the same as the way you see red?
(Kate's caustic observation: If asylum residents who hurl their own feces and assume monikers like "Zeb, the Leming-Handed Harbinger of the Apocalypse" are the truly sane ones, I'm committing suicide.)
What follows was drawn from the depths of my mind like a spider draws webbing from its
arse.
I think I'll spend my evening eating Spaghettios from the can and jerking off to Xena reruns.
Each day carries with it the possibility of a new beginning.
Unless, of course, you're an insomniac. Then you're just fucked.
We no longer require our wits to survive.
We can simply mull along like leaches in a river of blood, feeding off our surroundings until
finally we drown in our own stupidity.
This is pretty ironic coming from a man who most likely lives in his parents' basement.
Man is attracted to sin like fly is to shit.
So ... What's your point?
Idle dreamers make war to pass the time.
Idle wankers make pseudointellectual observations to give me something to laugh at.
The human race is the only beings I know who revels in
death.
Case in Point: The Missouri Senate race.
I'm so happy this man wrote to you, Bill. He's provided me with such entertainment.
posted by Kate at 1:05 PM link/comments
I was just walking back from class and there was a construction truck of some type parked along the street. The truck's company name, emblazed in huge blue lettering along the side: Putzmeister.
Even if your surname is this unfortunate, you should never, ever call your company something that sounds like an embarrassing high school nickname.
posted by Kate at 12:42 PM link/comments
Chances that The Dreamer is actually a nice, intelligent, great guy - 5:100
Chances that The Dreamer is a portly 30something whose hair is falling out and has bad teeth - 95:100
Chances that The Dreamer believes that people don't like him because he intimidates them - 90:100
Chances The Dreamer is right in this belief - 0:100
posted by Holly at 11:56 AM link/comments
i'm posting a lot...i must have nothing else to do...
i heard Lewis Black talking about the election on the radio yesterday. he's view: the people in florida can handle 14 bingo cars at the same time, but they can't figure out a single ballot?
posted by sean at 11:40 AM link/comments
okey dokey...bill, i just checked out "The Dreamer's" website...what a fucking wanker! I think we should all take his quotes and discuss them, because then we would be as deep as he. Here's the quote of his that i will discuss: "Isn't it ironic that we only realise the consequences of our actions once they have taken shape."
My response: No, it is not fucking ironic! What the fuck is he talking about? Can anybody please explain this to me? We can never accurately predict what effects our actions will produce. He might as well have said, "Isn't it ironic that a person dies if a train runs into them full force?" Why, yes, Dreamer, you are correct, it is ironic, and you, in your deepness, in your profundity, are ironic too, for it is quite ironic that anybody so fucking stupid could actually build a web page with stupid fucking shit on the internet. I motion to make HTML more complicated to prevent schmoes like him from posting anything else. Technical elitism has its virtues.
This has been my scholarly critique of The Dreamer, for my non-scholarly critique, please give me a call.
posted by sean at 11:37 AM link/comments
also, my views on this fiasco we call an election. america is in a tizz right now due to the fact that we feel that the most sacred institution of our country has been violated. it is a ritual, a ceremony, regular and timely (with only 1 or 2 other exceptions), which has become part of our universe. the americans' universe is now out of whack. you should hear the people in New York: conspiracy theories our flying among the democrats, and the republicans adamantly deny that anything went wrong. it's become a bipartisan issue, which puts me in an odd position, because, as a libertarian, and feeling like i'll be screwed by either candidate, i can actually look objectively at the issues involved. yes, something went wrong in florida, as it did several other places in the country. the lesson from this to be learned: we should never disregard votes, defrauding attempts, or mess-ups in the system. All of these "irregularities" should be treated effectively. in Florida, I think people were legitimately confused (not as many as claim to be confused, though), and one wonders how we should proceed with such circumstances as this. their will must be heard, but i think they may not have gone about the most mature, intelligent, practical, or reasonable way to make their will known. (i mean, come on...common sense tells anybody that punching two holes would invalidate a ballot). oh well..this spiel is way too long...
posted by sean at 11:15 AM link/comments
the great irony about this world's more "perfect" countries, such as Switzerland, Sweden, and Canada: they don't do anything. Switzerland has not much effect upon the world beyond its chocolate, Sweden doesn't do much beyond massages and pretty people, and Canada doesn't do much beyond providing the U.S. with a fresh supply of Saturday Night Live cast members.
and anyone who calls themselves "The Dreamer" should be shot...not just once, but several times, many times, in a public place.
posted by sean at 11:03 AM link/comments
Hell. This is one of those days when there is nothing particularly pressing on my desk. There is, however, an absolute ton of shit to be done next week, but instead of getting a head start, I've been staring out at the nasty, cold, wet weather all morning and wondering if I could get a webmaster position somewhere warm. Like Fiji. Or the Gaza Strip. I've also convinced myself that I've become very, very old. Sometimes I spend whole hours being grumpy because my neck hurts. I've become obsessed with politics and I find myself thinking with panic about the future of social security. Meanwhile, I devise conspiracy theories, wonder if I should consider mutual funds, and count the hours until the next weekend.
I used to think that I'd like to spend my life feeling infinite passion for an angst-filled romantic partner who gazed into my eyes, wrote meaningful poetry, and looked an awful lot like Christian Slater in "Pump Up the Volume". Now I find I've revised my criteria to someone who had at least three of the following five qualities: someone who'd help me balance my checkbook, someone who wouldn't be afraid to hold my hand in public, someone who occasionally said intelligent, random shit that made me laugh, someone at least six feet tall, and someone who could understand and appreciate my obsession with all things computer. If he looked like Jeff Goldblum, that would help, too.
Holly and Melinda and I have spent countless hours discussing (as girls do) the finer points of sexual attraction, and we've come to the conclusion that the apex of sexiness in men is competence. I think the appreciation of competence goes back to some biological urge women have to be cared for by Bigger, Stronger Gender. Using this theory, I've come to the conclusion that I am a big freak. I definitely should have been a man. Or at least a lesbian. While I suppose I understand the appeal of boys who can fix mechanical objects and lift heavy things, my ovaries have no apparent need for these skills. Instead, my biology craves someone who can write code. And cook. And make me some goddam babies!
OK, maybe not the baby thing. Unless he made them in a laboratory or something. That might be cool.
Jesus H. Christ. To hell with "The Dreamer." Will someone please just slap me upside the head? I must stop now.
posted by Kate at 10:56 AM link/comments
Anyone who refers to himself as "The Dreamer" really ought to be slapped upside the head. Preferably with a mace.
As for Canada, Paul, I'm starting to think it's a good idea. Hell, I'm starting to think just about anything's a good idea. What do you do when you've got the right job and the right house but you're living in the wrong place? Goddam you, Holly. Our conversation this morning has rendered me soul-searching. >:-P
posted by Kate at 8:46 AM link/comments
"Well Bill
what a tosser.......
As you can see from my writings, there is not much rationale in anything I
do. I simply went on the net searched for "dreamer" followed a few dozen
links and sent e-mails to every site that caught my interest. To be honest,
I can't remember which site is yours, but I know it is somewhere in my
favourites folder.
I'd still like to exchange links.
The Dreamer"
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 1:08 AM link/comments
Thursday, November 09, 2000
i have decided that the voting system smells like a ladybug baking in a halogen lamp. ive further decided that moving to canada is the only option. my money is worth more there, and they all talk basically like i do, and their country is cleaner than mine, and they are adorable and loveable. not like the lizard george bush, who has just busted through my window and eaten the ladybugy in the halogen lamp.
oh me, oh my, oh life.
posted by Paully at 10:16 PM link/comments
OK i've bowed to external pressure and installed an instant messaging tool on my work puter.... my weapon of choice is Yahoo! Messenger, largely because it's the only one i can get to work through my firewall here.... my id of choice is balkandishlex....... add me to yer list at yer peril, for i have been known to be grumpy about being interrupted at work, just ask Shauny.... *grin*
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 7:33 PM link/comments
The man who wants your sweet links is obviously a wanker. Read some of his writing: "The human race is the only one I know that revels in death." What a schmuck. I bet he wears lots of black and a great big amulet around his neck.
posted by Kate at 7:14 PM link/comments
Thank you, Bill. Bloggers everywhere are singing your praises.
posted by Kate at 7:13 PM link/comments
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA fuck i'm good - just had to tick one lil box.... ok everyone, move along, there's nothing to see here, just go about your business - oh hey and while you're at it, try and tell me why this guy wants me to swap links with him.....
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 5:05 PM link/comments
stop posting. the blog's farked - Kate - I'm going to try and find you some server space today.....
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 4:57 PM link/comments
Holy shit! The vote count margin in Florida is down to 405.
posted by Kate at 4:23 PM link/comments
The story as I understand it went like this: People showed up to vote and were told to report to the local brance of the Board of Elections. Those who went to the BOE were turned away from there as well. Later, the BOE implored everyone to come back and cast their votes, but of course, not everyone did that.
This is all driving me absolutely insane. It's just hitting home for me how fucking archaic our voting system is. We're in a goddam "Age of Technology," and the best system we can think of in a presidential election recount is have gereatric volunteers in Florida counting on their fingers? Pat Buchanan said in an interview yesterday that he even believes that he got votes he didn't deserve in Florida. I'm down on my knees fucking praying that this mess will finally alert this country to what's really going on. Must go take a walk to get lunch. Am far too fired up about this.
posted by Kate at 11:58 AM link/comments
if people were actually turned away from the polls in cleveland, that's in extreme violation of federal law...hell, that's an extreme violation of constitutional law. is something going to be done about this?
posted by sean at 10:25 AM link/comments
And the kicker is that that the total number of votes that were disqualified was 19,000. In Florida, the margin between Gore and Dubya has narrowed to less than 900 votes. So no one can say these votes won't make a difference.
In other maddening news, a shitload of people were turned away from Cleveland polls on election day because too many people showed up and the election joints said they couldn't handle all the people. These were, of course, largely inner-city black neighborhoods. I never used to believe in conspiracy theories, but ....
posted by Kate at 8:54 AM link/comments
A ballot in Palm Beach county defied Florida law, but instead of holding a re-vote, Florida has thus far simply disqualified all the people who meant to vote for gore but voted for gore and buchanan by accident. let me repeat: according to florida law, this ballot is illegal.
bush for pres, bush as governor of florida. you do the math. i think youll see it adds up to DIRT + Y + RAT.
divided by CONSPIRACY.
posted by Paully at 1:07 AM link/comments
Wednesday, November 08, 2000
Test Post. Testing. Testing.
1... 2... 3...
Testing...
I HATE BUSH!
George W. Bush that is. And his father, and his brother.
And their mothers, their grandmothers, their godparents, their uncles and aunts, their Great great great ancestors.
Just don't like 'em.
Not one bit.
But, I am secure in the knowledge that almost 50% of this great nation don't like him either, and the chances are good that out of that 50% one or two will take it into their heads and do what needs to be done.
I can say no more here.
But you know what I mean.
posted by Mike at 11:48 PM link/comments
Hello? It's me, I was finally invited!!! I'm good enough smart enough and dang tootin' people like me!
posted by Stephen at 7:26 PM link/comments
OK so kids here's the deal. The blog is fucked for the time being. I've checked a couple of things out, and it looks like what's happening is that Geoshitty's FTP servers are throwing small fits, frothing at the mouth and banging their heads on their desks. The best thing to do at this stage is, I think, to ignore it and hope that it will go away. In the meantime, you CAN post, but the page won't update until this problem is fixed. Blogger/pyra is aware of the issue and I expect we should be up and running within a couple of hours. In the meantime, DON'T PANIC. Above all, if you feel a sudden urge to blog, just send it to me in an email and I'll try to find some time to upload them all, (but i have to do it manually and so it is quite sucky.) The answer to this problem is to grab some server space somewhere. You don't need much, most blogs only take up about 5 meg, depending how graphically intense they are.
rock on
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 5:33 PM link/comments
Blog seems to be fine, KAte. No worries.
Election, blah, blah, Florida, blah, rotten motherfucking commie bastards, blah, blah..... Whatever.
Today, I had to carry a student away from a fight. She kicked me. Then someone set off a stinkbomb in my classroom. I'm not having a good teacher day.
Blah.
posted by Melinda at 4:27 PM link/comments
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH BLOGGER.
posted by Kate at 3:50 PM link/comments
Blog not updating. What the fuck.
posted by Kate at 9:00 AM link/comments
Why does Geocities FTP hate me so?
posted by Kate at 8:57 AM link/comments
Actually, I'm thrilled to pieces that Missouri elected a dead man, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that this country, however unconsciously, still has a sense of humor. If there were any dead people on the Cuyahoga County, Ohio ballot, I definitely would have campaigned for them.
WE NEED TO PROTECT THE GODGIVEN RIGHTS OF DEAD PEOPLE TO RUN FOR OFFICE IN THIS COUNTRY. THE ANTIMORTUM SENTIMENT IN THIS COUNTRY HAS REACHED CRISIS PROPORTIONS AND IT'S TIME WE FOUGHT BACK!
*Ahem* Sorry. Slightly loopy this morning. Girls and I spent the evening at the Ralph Nader Victory Party at a local pub. Yeah, yeah, I know he didn't win, but he managed to get in just enough of a bitch-slap to make a difference.
Sam "Eyebrows" Donaldson was saying on the news this morning that it really isn't going to make a difference who ends up being president (Note: In case you've been living in a cave for the past 7 hours, it's still not clear who won the presidential race.) Both the Senate and the House, while still Republican, are so close that it's going to be four years of gridlock. Big fucking surprise. In any event, it doesn't matter, because we've decided that if Dubya is elected, we're moving out of the country. Bill, you might be getting some dead sexy foreign roommates.
posted by Kate at 8:49 AM link/comments
i take it upon myself the grave dishonor to report to this blog that george w. bush has been declared the new president-elect of the united states. the house of representatives is currently republican-dominated and the senate, at best by the morning, will be fifty-fifty. of course, this is only announcing the victory of the worst of the two evils that still plague our not-so-great nation.
hillary, under a facade of neo-liberalism and feminism, has won the new york senatorial race.
the dead guy from missouri, carnahan, won, as well. death is usually considered to be a deterring characterisitic for a political candidate, but not in this country. of course, if we can vote for dead guys, then i'm voting for thomas jefferson next election.
posted by sean at 2:54 AM link/comments
Tuesday, November 07, 2000
HEY did you hear that Nader won new mexico??????? neither did i *giggle*
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 9:36 PM link/comments
ok firstly apologies to one and all re: my trans continental apoplexy. It turns out that in my enlightened (read: spastic) state, I thought that Kate was in earnest need of some billyjoebob style phone lovin. In fact, I was the one who needed love, and eventually Kate provided it. I have since decided to eschew my desire for ludicrously expensive furniture and concentrate on saving my pennies (although they're Australian pennies and therefore only worth .52 US cents) in order to travel to Cleveland and become her love slave, dedicated to fulfilling her needs for chocolate and backrubs. On breasts, I'm a big fan, and must say that thekate has a fine pair that on occasion i am allowed to see and also play with. (bouncy bouncy *giggle*) Catholic Schoolgirls. I once had a girlfriend called D***** who was a 30 year old primary school teacher. Her desire to wear her old school uniforms with thigh highs and be spanked by "Sir" was, quite frankly, disturbing. I broke up with her (although cunningly, because i made her think that she'd broken up with me because i drank two bottles of vodka and behaved like a fucking neanderthal) I've also got back on the wagon. *applause* It's interesting, every other time I've been scared into getting back off the grog has been because I've done something stupid or life threatening while drunk. This time, it was simply waking up the next morning and realizing that i wasn't in control of my own drinking. It scared me to death.... Movies: Peter Jackson, the guy who's doing the Lord of the Rings trilogy at the moment in New Zealand, directed whilst he was still in film school an absolute classic called "Bad Taste". Find it..... i think that's it. Kisses to Jen Hirt's Mom - she was lovely.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 4:57 PM link/comments
I don't have breasts. I use Jen's when she doesn't need them.
posted by Holly at 4:12 PM link/comments
Paul has seen mine. Many times.
Haven't you Paul?
You fantasize about them at night...
Or maybe that's me fantasizing about you fantasizing...
posted by Mike at 2:22 PM link/comments
Paul, you have never seen my breasts, but you've come close. I recall very well this one day during sophomore year of college when we were getting ready to go somewhere and I decided to change my shirt before we left. Without really thinking about it, considering the inhuman amount of comfort we'd achieved with one another by this point, I whipped off my shirt and was standing in my room in my bra chatting while I looked for another garment. You almost had a stroke, and a long discussion ensued about how I, as your platonic female friend, had a solemn responsibility to forewarn you of any impending nudity. Then we drove to Taco Bell in Ravenna and argued about it the whole way in the car. Did we ever do anything except argue during our first two years of college?
posted by Kate at 2:16 PM link/comments
i have failed in my civic duties, and in my obligations as a citizen of a democratic nation. i did not apply for my absentee ballot, and so, it will not be for another four years until i can vote in a presidential election. i would've voted for browne, anyway, so i guess it doesn't matter too much.
posted by sean at 10:38 AM link/comments
Happy Election Day to those bloggers who are U.S. citizens. I did my civic duty this morning and voted for Ralph "Needs to be the Father of My Children" Nader on my way to work. If you have not yet voted, get your sorry asses to the polls. I was just thinking about posting some Ralph Nader quotes, but then I decided that maybe I'm a little too psychotic about this issue. On second thought, fuck it:
"Democracy cannot exist without daily citizenship." -RN
posted by Kate at 9:46 AM