hi to kate's momma. it's like you've stumbled onto the other side of the tracks, and your car has broken down, and you only have a nickel and a can of shaving cream in your pocket. but there you are, so you may as well try and make the most of it.
in other news, i dutifully sent my little person to kate, though i must admit i was unduly flattered by the fact that they gave my body washboard abs. now, im not saying i dont wail on my pecs and otherwise keep my bod hot, but the truth is reading and writing arent things you can do in tandem with situps and pushups. for one thing, you sweat all over the books, and then your wheezing makes the librarians angry, and dont even get me started about the hallucinogenic mold in some of those older books. plus im sick right now, so you have to imagine my little man with a bright red upper lip and snot running out his nose like he's a fourth grader. because when im sick like this i feel like a fourth grader. sometimes i even eat paste. but the little man is there, and he looks reasonably like me.
we did my roommate james, too, and he looks like a carpenter. it was fun.
one of my fillings decided to abandon ship, and so i called the one dentist here who has been nice to me (who didn't, for instance, convulse into laughter when i asked whether he had any open appointments). it turns out he left town, and he told his other dentist friend that before i could be seen for any reason, i would need to undergo a "new-patient's checkup." this is an exciting $200.00 deal in which they take pictures of my teeth, scrape and poke at me without actually cleaning or fixing anything, and then tell me that i don't have any diseases. stuff i already know because i went to the dentist last year and had the same things done, but that was in ohio, and it was cheaper. only after taking me for this $200.00 would the dentist consider replacing the filling that has abandoned me. and the soonest they could make all this happen would be march. in other words, they were doing everything they could to screw me. so i called hundreds of other dentists before one lady said that she could fit me in on February second, and i promptly founded a religion to her. so from now on, when you pray before you sleep, pray to Dr. Jeanette Hayward, DDS. that's her religion name. i have masked her real name so that followers dont flood her and bother her at all hours. she's a private kind of deity.
parking tickets: before i was actually a student here at ISU, when i was scampering around turning in applications i got a ticket, but then i wrote "visitor" on it and i didnt have to pay it. score for me! at hiram one time i forgot i had parked my car on the street, so after scaling the hill down to the back lot and risking my life for nothing, and wandering around looking for my car, and then remembering that i had parked it on the street, and then searching the streets of hiram until i found the car with two parking tickets on it, i discovered not one, but two tickets on the fucking car. on one of them i wrote "my grandmother died," which i secretly hoped would make the police feel bad, but which was nevertheless true, as she had died recently before that. no word on whether the police did, indeed, feel bad. then there was the time i saw the phys plant vampires writing their tickets, and i didnt have a permit because, like with kate, it was a matter of principles, so i moved my car before they ticketed me and then warned all my friends who also didnt have permits, and i saved like five people from having tickets, and i short-changed the vampires out of more blood money, and i was so happy i nearly wept.
see? keep the definition of excitement, and happiness, and other words like that, keep the definition loose, and your life will be so much better. hiram taught me that.
posted by Paully at 5:09 PM link/comments
