Playing with computers is nothing like knowing how to fix a car. Computers make sense; cars do not. I find it incomprehensibly amazing that there are people walking this earth that know how cars work. I have tried to understand; I really have. A mechanic will look at me and say something like, "Problem is you need a new distributor cap," and I'll nod and cluck as if to say, "Ah, yes! The distributor cap. That old codger's always foiling me!" when really the mechanic could have told me my transmission was possessed by agents of Satan and I'd be just as likely to believe him. This is why I get down on my knees on a nightly basis and thank the heavens for people in my life like my dad and my brother and Melinda, who have the Godlike ability to understand the things. A couple of weeks ago it was brought to my attention by Zack, who has acute powers of observation, that my car's headlights weren't working. I was vaguely confused as to why both headlights would go out at once, and I relayed my concerns to housemates and friends one evening. I also told them of other recent car traumas, which included my frustration that the power doors locks and interior lights had recently stopped functioning. A short discussion ensued, and Aamir and Melinda decided they should go outside to my vehicle and Figure Out What Was Wrong. I tagged along behind them. Got out to the car and Melinda told me to pop the hood. "Well see, here's the thing," I explained. "I can pop the hood, but it won't open. I don't know why, but the only way to get my hood to open is to pull the hood-popping lever thingy, then drive the car around for awhile, and at some point the hood magically unlatches." My friends stared at me in a manner that suggested I was clearly not fit to be able to walk the streets unattended. I got in the car, popped the hood, and started the engine, my plan being to drive the car around the block to coax the hood open. Of course, what I failed to consider was the fact that it was already dark out, and without the aid of operable headlights, driving around the block would be a bit of a challenge. But I succeeded, the hood opened, and all was (sorta) well. Aamir and Melinda spent some time contemplating the contents of my engine, discussing in great detail the possible functions of all visible wires and coils, then asked me where my fusebox was located. I, honestly, was not aware that my car had a fusebox, but knew that my brother had once said something about a fuse in my car, so I eagerly offered to go inside and call Teddy, who would surely know the whereabouts of said item. I called my brother's cellphone, and we had this discussion: Me: Hey. Where's my fusebox? I went outside and reported the news, and it was decided that Aamir would tinker with the fusebox whilst Melinda attempted in vain to explain to me how my headlights worked. Given the above set of circumstances, Aamir ended up having to access the fusebox by climbing into the passenger side door, lying with his head on the floormat under the steering wheel and his body stretched across both bucket seats and the middle console, his feet sticking out the door. There was a lot of tinkering on all sides, but the problem of the non-functioning interior lights and locks was eventually attributed to a burned-out fuse. The fact that Melinda and Aamir managed to troubleshoot this problem, as far as I'm concerned, is mind-bogglingly akin to if they had somehow found a cure for Diabetes in my engine block. Still no idea why the headlights don't work, the reigning theory being "they're burned out. go get new ones." I should probably go to AutoZone this weekend and do that. Haven't been able to drive after dark for two weeks.
Teddy: Why?
Me: Cause Melinda and Aamir want to look at it.
Teddy: Again, why?
Me: Cause nothing works inside the car and the headlights don't work.
Teddy: And you're going to fix it?
Me: No. Melinda and Aamir are going to fix it.
Teddy: Are they as good with cars as you are?
Me: Much better.
Teddy: Thank God. The fusebox is under the dashboard, way in the back on the driver's side, and it's really hard to see. You need good light to see what you're doing.
Me: Well. Um. The driver's side door doesn't open, and the interior lights aren't working right now.
Teddy: (laughing his ass off) Good luck, then. *click*
posted by Kate at 8:59 AM link/comments
