Friday Afternoon Follies ... I went to the doctor today in hopes of banishing the sinus demons from my head. I've been to the doctor before for sinus problems, but never have I gone to an ear/nose/throat specialist. I decided to go for a specialist because a) my insurance will pay for it and b) because I was hoping to get some long-term solution to the problem. The doctor walked into the patient room wearing this bizarre contraption on his head. It looked like a headband with a bunch of long, skinny metal things attached. Here now is a transcript of my interaction with the doctor. Parenthetical italicized text is what was going through my head at the time ... Doc: Soooo, you're having some sinus trouble, are you? I'm beginning to understand why some people have a pathological fear of the medical community.
Me: Yeah.
Doc: Stuffy nose? Sinus pressure?
Me: Yes.
(Well I should think so. How the hell else would I know I was having sinus trouble? No, Dr. Obvious, the whole notion came to me in a dream.)
Doc: OK. I'm going to take this thing (reaches over to medical console and produces stick-like metal object attached to a hose. object resembles pneumatic drill) and spray something in your nostrils. After I do that, inhale through your nose as hard as you can. (shoves hose in my face, wet spray shoots into my nostrils).
Me: (snorting like coke fiend)
Doc: (sticking long skinny rubber hose into my nostrils): Wow. Your septum is really deviated.
Me (in comical voice caused by having rubber hose in nasal cavity): Oh. I diddit doe I had a debiaded sebtub.
Doc: (shoves rubber hose further into my nose, causing me great pain and discomfort)
Me: (trying to suppress whimper)
(jesus! how far is he putting this thing in?)
Doc: (recoiling death hose) All righty. You have a deviated septum and a sinus infection. Beyond that, I don't know what's going on in there because your membranes are too swollen so I couldn't get the hose in far enough.
Me: Oh.
(not far enough! the damn thing was poking me in the frontal lobe!)
Doc: (writing multiple prescriptions) I'm putting you on antibiotics, oral steroids, and nasal steroids. Then in three weeks, when everything's cleared up, we'll do a cat scan and then decide about surgery (hands me prescriptions, turns on heel to leave).
Me: Waitwaitwait. I have some questions.
(SURGERY?? Wha... gehhhh.... What's this about SURGERY?!)
Doc: What kind of questions?
Me: OK, first of all explain to me about this deviated septum, and why it's such a bad thing.
Doc: The septum is the membrane that separates the right and left halves of your nose. (yeah, no shit. do i look competely stupid?) God made us all each a little different (huh??! when did god get involved in my nostrils?), and just as he made my ears (pulls own earlobe, presumably as visual aid) different from your ears (points at my ears), he made all of our septums different, too.
Me: Okaaayyyy...(what am i, six? i half expect this man to don a fedora and start doing a little septum-themed song and dance around the room) So what's this all have to do with surgery?
Doc: Some people choose to have surgery.
Me: You mean for the septum problem?
(some people choose to have surgery. just randomly? like, 'hey, marge. i'm bored. let's go down to the clinic and have us some surgery.'??)
Doc: Yes. Unless there's polyps in your sinus cavity.
Me (trembling): Polyps? (polyps? I could have POLYPS??)
Doc: Yes, but you probably don't. We'll know more after your cat scan.
Me: So you're doing the cat scan to look for polyps.
Doc: Not particularly. I just want to see what's in there.
(whaddya mean, 'what's in there'! what the hell are you expecting to find? your car keys? a small man dancing the macarena? you don't go around making people have cat scans just for the hell of it. 'oh, this'll be fun. let's see what the inside of this girl's skull looks like.')
Me: OK. So what about the surgery?
Doc: Oh, you probably won't have to have surgery.
Me: (gritting teeth so hard i'm afraid they'll shatter in my mouth): Fine. I'll see you in three weeks.
posted by Kate at 5:10 PM link/comments
