The other day, I was driving down my street, concentrating on both operating my vehicle and paying extreme caution to the 97 children that were running around the vicinity. Every child that lives on my street has a death wish. They dart in front of speeding cars for no discernable reason; they ride their bikes at full tilt, narrowly missing collision with assorted parked cars; they occasionally have somersault/cartwheel contests in the middle of the road. Deathwish. All of them.

I looked up from assessing the possible repercussions of a sidewalk "spin-around-so-fast-your-body-becomes-a-centrifuge-and-turns-your-internal-organs-into-oatmeal" match being undertaken by a herd of four-year-olds to see 8 or 9 prepubescent boys involved in an activity with the following rules: Ride bicycle to top of street, where exists the summit of a slight hill; Rider #1: Mount bicycle; Rider #2: Mount same bicycle as Rider #1, sitting directly behind him; Rider #1: Begin pedaling as fast as humanly possible; Rider #2: Reach around and cover Rider #1's eyes; Rider #1: Continue to pedal rapidly, despite fact that you can't see a damn thing; Rider #2: Shout "helpful" instructions to Rider #1. Some suggestions include, "GoRight! GoRiii ...! AwNo! IMeantLeft! Left!" and "Hey, man. Watch out for that car!" Fail to make obvious deduction that telling your friend to "watch out" for anything while simultaneously blinding him is completely futile.; Rider #1: State the obvious. Repeatedly. "Awwwww, sheeeiiiit! I can't seeeee!"

Having noticed this was going on, I stopped the car, and sat helpless as two children whose names will eventually appear somewhere in the text of the Darwin Awards came careening down the hill and towards my vehicle in the fashion described above. Rider #1 steered the bike away from my front bumper at the last possible second, narrowly avoiding a scenario that would have involved a crushed bike, a smashed bumper and car hood, and two airborne children sailing over the roof of a 1990 Pontiac Firebird in a slow-motion, tv-public-service-announcement-about-bike-safety sort of way.

Someone remind me to never have children. Seems to me their main goal between birth and age 18 (arguable. the age goes much higher for some, particularly boys.) is to put themselves in as many situations as possible where there is a high probability of death and/or maiming.