on a completely unrelated note, Tom just had this brilliant idea. Specifically in my line of work, this could be a phantasmagorical method of obtaining new business.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 10:49 PM link/comments
turns out that kungfujen is the only one who cares about me... poo to the rest of you
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 10:38 PM link/comments
hey! it's nearly midday and i haven't gotten any email yet today.... somebody please send me some lovin or i may cry.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 9:43 PM link/comments
Fun fun for the whole family! This guy has a prison bitch name generator on his page. It goes along with the the "porn name" generator, which is just your middle name and the street you grew up on. My prison bitch name would be "the harpoon" and my porn name would be "Lee West." Hot-diggedy.
posted by Jen at 8:18 PM link/comments
hmmm - bizarre search engine requests - perhaps we should instigate a program of * naked sweaty rabbits licking llama pus * inserting interesting * golden shower freaks smothered in coleslaw * phrases into our posts. 31 days 38 days
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 7:46 PM link/comments
First day of watering plants was stupendous. Found a snake in the marigolds, was instructed by the head-honcho woman to "not tell the other girls about it." Snake will remain a secret so as not to induce reptilian panic. Snakes rock. If I were a snake I would certainly hide in the marigolds.
posted by Jen at 7:20 PM link/comments
So here I am posting for the first time from my new Mac, which was installed on my desk this morning. My former PC is now living on the desk next to mine, which is mostly uninhabited. This rocks. I have a wheely office chair, so now I get to spend my days zooming back and forth between computers. I feel like some sort of technological goddess.
posted by Kate at 2:02 PM link/comments
Yes!! Someone got here by running a Netscape search for men wearing lipstick.
posted by Kate at 9:26 AM link/comments
Bill - Yes, I could see the Foster boys involved in flying a model airplane across the Atlantic. The only difference would be that if my brother were involved, the plane would be carrying about 2 pounds of black powder, which would be programmed to detonate upon arrival in Ireland. For no other reason than he would think it was funny.
posted by Kate at 9:17 AM link/comments
Linda - 39 days.
posted by Kate at 9:11 AM link/comments
But how many day till you see your Mum?
posted by lindathemum at 7:10 AM link/comments
Sunday, April 29, 2001
THE COUNTDOWN: 32 days
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 9:23 PM link/comments
Wow, two days without any posts. It's a blog gone stale.
In Iowaville, it's been a quiet weekend, highlighted by the sighting of a very blue indigo bunting in our backyard (what's better than an unnaturally blue bird?). My status as over-educated unemployed writer will end tomorrow when I begin a temporary stint watering plants at the local greenhouse. Rumor has it that I'll also get to play in the dirt, which makes me very happy. I will tell the geraniums and tomato seedlings all about the immediate monetary benefits of higher education.
THE COUNTDOWN:
4 or 5 days until Paul's parents visit. (Paul, in classic Paul fashion, has forgotten what day they are arriving.)
5 days until the moment of reckoning (graduation, that is...)
8 days until Paully and I head west on I-90, for millions of miles.
2 months until we head to Northwoods, hopefully with Brian Hanna strapped into the backseat with the crate of liquor.
and 3 months left in Iowa
posted by Jen at 8:17 PM link/comments
now is it just me, or is this something that we could see the Kowalski/Dennis/Foster boys being involved in? *giggle*
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 8:07 PM link/comments
Friday, April 27, 2001
A mere one week after the injury from hell, and I'm pleased to report that I now have regained full mobility in my right hand. I can type like a maniac again! I can also make a fist, which is great, cause it's Friday and I'm going out, so that means I might need it if I get into a bar fight. I'm just kidding, mothers. The last fight I got into was in 7th Grade when I kicked a kid. But he bit me first, so he deserved it.
posted by Kate at 4:07 PM link/comments
Thursday, April 26, 2001
*Kate falls off chair, clutching sides and guffawing*
posted by Kate at 4:53 PM link/comments
At my high school, you got a luxurious lunch of free Pizza Hut pizza if you got all A's for a particular grading period, washed down with gratuitious amounts of Pepsi products. It was like this immediate delicious reward for suffering through pre-calculus. I think I used to get out of my Spanish class to partake in the pizza feast, and since there were all of, say, 10 students there, we gorged ourselves, lard or no lard.
Back in October, I found myself caught in a Des Moines High School hallway just as the bell rang (don't ask how I got there...it's a long speed reading story) and I was intrigued to see the kiddies que up at the vending machines, chucking in change so they could make it through their next classes with chips and Cokes. Back when I was in high school, we were only allowed to approach the vending machines at lunch. You could get a detention if you got it into your head that you were going to sit through American Government with a cold Coke. My dad used to tell me how, when he was a kid, he was only allowed to have Coke on Friday nights, and he had to share a little 8 ounce cup with his sister and brother, and that was it.
posted by Jen at 2:44 PM link/comments
Wow. Libraries aren't messing around with fines any more. Everyone return your library books!
posted by Kate at 10:05 AM link/comments
I don't think I ever got CEC tokens for straight As, although I do recall eating copious quantities of free McDonald's cheeseburgers as a reward for academic excellence. And Pizza Hut had some deal with this program called "Book It!" where you got free lard-laden Personal Pan Pizzas for reading books. I wonder if there's any correlation between American obesity levels and people who did well in school.
posted by Kate at 9:23 AM link/comments
A couple of years ago, some of us decided it would be really fun to go to Chuck E. Cheese, in that nostalgia-mixed-with-just-a-pinch-of-sarcasm way that's all the rage with our generation. Walked in there, got some pizza, grabbed some game tokens, and promptly almost expired from claustrophobia-induced hyperventilation. While the experience didn't induce the childhood flashback I had hoped for, it did make me finally understand why my mother always appeared to be in excruciating physical pain every time we went to CEC. I don't know how you did it, Mother. I was in there for 15 minutes before I abandoned everyone and went over to Marc's (an Ohio chain of discount stores) to amuse myself with shopping until the friends were ready to go home.
posted by Kate at 9:08 AM link/comments
Wednesday, April 25, 2001
be warned: Michele Foucoult reports that way back in the dark ages, when they were holding regular public executions, the kings and nobles thought it would be the greatest deterrent to people hungry for crime, since they could graphically see the death. the result, reports Foucoult, was that instead of not wanting to commit crime, the people wanted to save the criminals. this was due to a billy-the-kid kind of phenomenon where criminals became folk heros as sympathies shifted toward the people actually dying up on stage. now, Foucoult does note that this happened because, while people could watch the criminal die and feel pity for his/her pain (although most public executions were men, except in Salem, Mass, where the witches grow), the people could not see the actual crime the criminals had committed, and therefore could not muster the necessary anger and need for vengence that execution requires the executioners to have. the difference today, of course, is that we have television, and we can watch endless replays of the OK city building blow up, and we can maintain our sense of moral outrage and therefore feel good about watching timothy mcveigh die. so if they do televise this thing, theyll probably accompany it with footage of the original crime, which will enable those who think the death penalty is good to continue thinking it's good. just my thoughts.
i feel bloated and happy on billyjoebob posts. you may disappear back into your infamy again, should you need to do so, mr. Australian man.
today the university gave me a yellow and red tassel that i get to wear around my shoulders at graduation. this is in addition to the sock puppets theyve already attached to the ends of my sleeves. i took one look at the tassel and thought to myself, why wait? im going to incorporate the tassel into all my outfits from now on. then im going to attach sock puppets to some of my other shirts. eventually, i will start a tassel-and-sock-puppet fad that will sweep the nation. this is going to be great. youll see.
posted by Paully at 11:43 PM link/comments
advice for the day:
Never attempt to work whilst listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers cranked on your headphones, it makes you unconsciously want to type to the beat.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 8:46 PM link/comments
I used to go to Chuck E. Cheese when I was a littlun' getting straight A's. I'd show them my report card and they'd give me four tokens for each A, which added up to a gleaming, glorious pile of tokens for all my academic hard work. It was the best time of my life. I'd play Galaga for hours. I once had my birthday party there.
On the "televise the execution or not" debate: I read a very good editorial in favor. The reasoning was that if the average joe actually watched a live execution, the average joe would stop thinking that the death penalty was a good idea, and the average joe would perhaps vote for government officials who opposed the death penalty. The writer reasoned that, in the long run, a few public executions would go a long way toward halting all state-sponsored executions. The guy who wrote that editorial is Steven Brill, who founded Court TV and now edits Brill's Content. But he also acknowledged that someone would try to profit off televising an execution, which is rather bad in ways I can't comprehend.
I tossed some bread out for the birds, and a mean old rabbit decided to eat all the bread himself. I didn't even know that rabbits liked baked goods. This changes everything.
posted by Jen at 7:56 PM link/comments
Okay, I've heard of spanking the money but this one takes the prize. I am so glad we are past the CEC stage of child-rearing. Now I am into the vehicular stage, more commonly referred to as "the one-way ticket to the poor house".
posted by Linda at 7:01 PM link/comments
ok i'm going to do some work now. (god what do you expect, if i stop posting i feel like i've abandoned you all on a doorstep wrapped tightly in garbage bags and duct tape.) kisses
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 6:44 PM link/comments
(mother warning) of course, implying that the link concerned contains language and/or references that mothers may not find amusing/understand.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 6:43 PM link/comments
of course, this wouldn't happen in Australia either. (mother warning)
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 6:41 PM link/comments
oh yeah, here it is....
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 6:36 PM link/comments
hmmm - of course being part of a culture which doesn't get into such things - i suppose all i can do is feel sorry for the people who have to actually perpetrate this crime against nature in order to keep their jobs. Lucky me - I only have to teach people how to change the brakes in bulldozers. Ted Jr., I took some great pictures for you of my office here at CAT (and if you're lucky, there might be a few souveniers in my suitcase for you too - but try as I might, I can't fit a 940G Wheel Loader in there like you asked me to). I had a link.... bugger I can't remember what it was... oh well if I remember it later I'll post. kisses.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 6:33 PM link/comments
Well, thank God. We can all sleep a little better at night knowing that the entertainment industry is looking out for our godgiven rights as Americans to watch a human being fry ...
"The government is sponsoring the killing of the human being who was responsible for this horrendous act, and we believe the people have an absolute right to witness this action."
- David Marshlack, CEO of Entertainment Network Inc. of Tampa, on his company's desire to film Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh's execution for a Webcast. Entertainment Network is best known for Voyeurdorm.com and Dudedorm.com, adults-only subscription Web sites carrying live video from the college homes of women and men.
posted by Kate at 12:58 PM link/comments
As for my hand, Jen, it's a puncture wound, so my doctor explained it to me like this: "It's the equivalent of if your cat had taken a hypodermic needle filled with infection and injected it directly into your hand." I enjoyed the analogy a whole lot, first because it made everything crystal clear, and second because picturing Tiamet walking around wielding a syringe is a mental image that makes me giggle.
posted by Kate at 9:36 AM link/comments
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
The U.S. Post Office is looking for love in all the wrong places. Instead of trying a little harder to deliver "undeliverable" mail, they are selling it on Ebay. Read about it here.
posted by Jen at 7:35 PM link/comments
Sometimes I think back to my living-in-a-dorm days and I'm mystified as to how I did it. Just consider the lack of space, for one thing. Add to that the communal bathrooms and the fire alarms...
Kate, your hand wound sounds absolutely horrible. How in the world can a cat's claw cause that much damage? The last substantial wound I had was a fairly severe (but small) burn on my arm, caused by me thinking I could handle a hot bread pan when I was half asleep. It burned the underside of my arm and the skin was discolored for like six months and Paully instituted a new kitchen rule, the Jen Is Not Allowed to Touch Hot Pans When She's Sleepy rule.
posted by Jen at 6:27 PM link/comments
Paul, it sounds as though you've become a bit burned out. I can't say I blame you. As much as I like to complain about the drudgery of working full-time, and as much as I get nostalgic for the college days of yore, there's something lovely about working as opposed to schooling. While I have to work more hours than I ever spent studying, there's some comfort in knowing that when I leave the office for the day, the only responsibilities I have to contend with are the personal ones. No projects due, no papers to write, no exams to study for. At least you don't have to live in dorms in graduate school. I don't think I could go back to playing those little games like "Oh No The R.A.'s at the Door; We'd Better Hide the Hookah" and "Try Not To Get Busted for Having 27 Underage Freshmen Drinking 40-oz. Bottles of Malt Liquor in Our Room."
posted by Kate at 3:37 PM link/comments
If you ever find any part of your body dreadfully infected, and you're not allergic to penicillin, make your doctor write you a script for Augmentin. The stuff rocks. I've only taken two pills since yesterday and my hand is remarkably less swollen and has almost returned to its usual pasty pallor. And I can almost make a fist again. Rock.
posted by Kate at 3:26 PM link/comments
O Kate – methink the lad protests too much. I think he really wants you to post the photos. And as for not having a childhood – he might not remember but I do. Vividly.
I actually thought the scones looked OK too.
posted by lindathemum at 1:07 PM link/comments
Regarding the road trip pictures, what's so scary about those scones?
posted by Kate at 9:52 AM link/comments
Oh, relax, Bill. Pictures are nothing to get upset about. If it'll make you feel better, I'll ask LindaTheMom to scan some of my more embarrassing childhood snaps and email them to me so I can post them all over the Internet. Better yet, I'll have her scan my senior pictures from high school. Picture me in a white blouse with my hands folded and my chin rested upon my hands, smiling angelically before a blinding white background. And I had a perm. The other picture worth noting is of me wearing bell-bottoms and a holstein-cow-print vest. Incidentally, I had no plans to post your pictures, so fear not. Hand Report: After a treacherous battle with northeastern Ohio traffic yesterday afternoon, I arrived at my doctor's office, where I waited patiently for more than an hour in an exam room whilst reading copies of People magazine. Eventually the doctor came in, took a look at my hand, made a face that clearly evoked the sentiment, "dear christ that's disgusting," and began furiously writing a script on his prescription pad. One tetanus shot and a prescription for frighteningly enormous penicillin pills later, I was on my way home. If it doesn't look better in two days, I'm supposed to go back so they can (*blech*) cut me open and drain the infection. Again I say, hooray for pets. Said hand is much less sore today, and I'm really mastering this "typing with only 8 fingers" thing, so all is not lost.
posted by Kate at 9:41 AM link/comments
In the space of two short weeks, I have gone from:
*“Sweet sleep, how I crave you.” to “What, this again? Wasn’t I just horizontal last night?”
*“I am a career writer on the fast-track to the Great American Novel.” to “I am McCarthy, and words are communists.”
*“Idaho and MFA, here I come!” to “The 7-Eleven offers an attractive benefits package.”
What’s it all mean?
posted by Paully at 4:35 AM link/comments
After Paully completed his signature-getting gauntlet, one of the graduate college secretaries left a voice mail wanting to know Paul's address. I relayed the message to Paul who sank to his thesis-weary knees and screamed into the rainy sky, "Why can't they just look at any one of the 800 forms I turned in today! Why can't they find it on ISU's online directory!!!" Then he tried to gouge his eyes out, but I tied him up and directed him to dinner at the Village Inn, which is the midwest version of Denny's. One Gardenburger later, he seemed to feel better about what he'd been through this last month, and he engaged the poor waitress in a discussion about how he's a vegetarian who eats fish "because the fish want to be eaten."
Roommate James' girlfriend, Mandy, just showed me a mistake one of her freshman, a Russian, made on a paper. Instead of using the words "introduction" and "conclusion", he used "foreplay" and "afterplay." Any suggestions on how to tactfully correct young Vladimir's stylistic error? I think this tops my story about one of my students missing class for a week because his role-playing character died and he couldn't bear to leave his dorm room.
posted by Jen at 12:59 AM link/comments
Monday, April 23, 2001
howdy to the lord. howdy to you, too. but mostly to the lord.
kate, hundreds of people die every year from hangnails. their logic goes like this: "Red streaks up my arm and puss everywhere? Well, that might be indicative of an infection, but come on--it's just a hangnail. I can treat this with some hydrogen peroxide and a Wonder Woman Band-Aid." then they get gangrene and die. so it's a good thing youre going to the doctor. thats all im saying. youll keep us posted on your life signs, wont you?
i completed the paper-running gauntlet today. it's an exercise they put you through here in iowa before theyll let your get your MA. it goes like this: you have one piece of paper that needs three signatures, and when you get those signatures done (in a particular order, of course) then you get to do another piece of paper with three more, different signatures, and these too need to go in a certain order, but to get one of the signatures you need to get another piece of paper with yet another signature certifying that you turned in a copy of your thesis to the english department, so when you get the sub-signature of form B, then you can get the super-ordinate signature of form B and then youre free to get the third signature of form B. keep in mind that the first and third signatures on each form are to be had in a building that rests on one side of the campus, while the second signature on each form (as well as the sub-signature of form B) is to be had in another building on the opposite side of the campus, and even if it's been 70 degrees and sunny the day before, and even if it will be 70 and sunny the day after, on the day you actually get these signatures it will be cold, windy, and rainy, and you will have forgotten to grab your coat because it's been so warm every other day. last year jen actually sat on a bench and wept bitter tears when she was in the thick of her signature gauntlet. today i did the same thing, though on a different bench.
billyjoebob, your road trip looked a lot like road trips ive taken, except mine were in the USA and yours was in Australia. weird. it's like you have the same restaurants and mass-produced carbonated beverages down there that we have up here. go figure.
i have 48 more papers to grade and one more story to write and one more response to write before i sleep.
posted by Paully at 9:41 PM link/comments
A retired crack dealer and pimp who now follows God's will by dressing as a giant singing dancing bell pepper. no i'm not making this up, and neither was the popqueen yeah yeah yeah - all of those pictures are photoshopped fakes. I was born at 21.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 9:40 PM link/comments
Well, my sweet heart - you look pretty cute in those baby photos. And the photo of you in the milk bar does look kind of uncute. Don't forget it's your brother's birthday.
posted by lindathemum at 9:04 PM link/comments
digital camera pics from roadtrip up here, film pictures awaiting development aand finishing off of roll..... kisses on your bloody pus-ridden hand, my darling Mother - please do not send my baby pictures to anyone, and Kate, i know you're going to post them, so i suppose there's nothing I can do about that. rock on.
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 8:45 PM link/comments
A day off today – the sun is shining, the snow is retreating, and there are little green shoots poking their heads up. I am full of spring fever. I was beginning to think that there would still be snow when the intrepid travelers arrived. No leaves on the trees yet - but I'm hopeful. Kate – I’m glad you’re going to the doctors.
posted by lindathemum at 5:18 PM link/comments
on offensive email: go, eudora. because the average human being obviously lacks the assessment skills necessary to determine whether something they've written is offensive. "what? jim might take offense at the fact that i called his wife a scum-licking ho-bag? i had no idea." in other news, i'm off to the doctor. stupid hand has started oozing. dammit dammit dammit.
posted by Kate at 2:27 PM link/comments
The good news: It's 70 degrees out and sunny. AND the trees have leaves. Yaaayyy.
posted by Kate at 11:27 AM link/comments
weathermen don't tend to sign their name on the backdrop round these parts. at least not in cleveland. maybe it's chic in other parts of the nation to practice one's john hancock on a jetstream map. dunno. went to pa this weekend. decided on friday to take my cat tiamet with me because she's on medication for her little urinary tract problem and i wanted to keep an eye on her. upon arriving at my parents' house, i foolishly took tia out of her travel carrier and walked into the house with her in my arms. soon realized that this was a bad idea as parents' dog harbors ungodly hatred for all animals other than parents' cat. tia was freaking out, so i decided to take her out to the garage to put her back into the carrier. didn't quite make it to the door. here is a synopsis of what happened next: *dog scares cat hand is still bandaged, which explains my unabashed lack of capital letters in this post. so far, hand is showing few signs of infection, which is good, because i really don't feel like taking time off work for a doctor visit and tetanus shot. i am, however, extremely irritated by the fact that i'm still unable to make a fist or entirely straighten my fingers. saw my grandmother on saturday. she's convinced that i should demand medical attention for the injury, up to and including amputation of the offending hand, lest i suddenly expire from blood poisoning and/or lockjaw. pets.
*cat freaks, claws kate's shoulder, tries to climb wallpaper
*cat fails to defy gravity and hits floor
*cat runs toward kitchen, dog gives chase
*dog catches cat near parents' picture window
*fur flies as dog and cat attempt to tear each other to shreds
*kate reaches into carnage in attempt to extract dog
*cat decides that appropriate course of escape would be to climb mutton of kitchen window (it's like a wooden panel/grate/tictactoe board thingy that rests in the window and looks pretty)
*cat has forgotten that previous attempt at defying gravity was fruitless
*mutton tumbles out of window, taking cat with it
*mutton splinters into bits on floor
*falling mutton also knocks over several of mom's knick-knacks which live on window sill
*stunned cat is once again ravaged by bloodthirsty dog
*kate grabs dog by scruff of neck and manages, with aid of mother, to hurl dog out back door
*cat settles under kitchen table, where she spends next 20 minutes making kitty growling/muttering noises
*kate realizes that right hand needs attention. back of hand and right ring finger each contain charmingly deep puncture wounds, both of which are bleeding profusely
*kate races to kitchen sink to attend to hand. becomes lightheaded and nauseous; considers passing out on kitchen floor; rejects idea on basis that losing consciousness in kitchen might cause mother undue stress.
posted by Kate at 9:44 AM link/comments
Sunday, April 22, 2001
computer: Paully - stick the splash in a short period term deposit until you get to idaho - buy a computer then. And make sure it has a CD burner so you can finally send me those "special" pictures you won't email me. Moxie: Jen, I'll bring some back from Maine. Floods: nope, none here. Weathermen: personally constantly creeped out by weathermen who sign their name on the backdrop. working very very hard, but just got back from the "Monet and Japan" exhibition at the National Gallery in canberra. great fun weekend away, many tales, lots of photos, blog later......
posted by billyjoe noodle-bob at 6:29 PM link/comments
Big Brother in action: The email program Eudora 5.1 has a moodwatch feature that monitors what you are writing and then rates it according to how aggressive, offensive, or just plain anti-establishment you sound. You can still send your email, but Eudora is kind enough to warn you that "your email might be offensive." Glad to know the Obscenity Police are still going strong out there in the cold cold, fucking cold world of ungodly, ungrammatical email fanatics like you and me.
posted by Jen at 2:03 PM link/comments
Saturday, April 21, 2001
One of the news channels here has taken to calling their Super Dopplar Radar Thingy the "Storm Sentinel." So it's like they've made it a new member of the broadcast team. My favorite is when they track the storm via what street it's "on" each minute. I think that annoys me as much as when Paul sings one line from Heart's "Barracuda" over and over. In fact, I'm not sure he even knows one complete line. He just thrashes around the apartment going, "oooooooooh, barraaaaacuuuuuuuuuda."
I would pay $100 to see and drink some Moxie. Any theories on what it might taste like?
posted by Jen at 1:46 PM link/comments
That story about Kate's grandma surviving the flood is the best. The thing is, here in Iowa people have a hearty suspicion that they have survived such circumstances as their house covered to the second floor by water, even when they really have no idea. Hyperbole is more than a poetic device here--it's a way of life. Routinely the news delights in reporting what might happen, no matter how unlikely. One example that hasn't happened yet, but is bound to: "Astronomers say that two asteroids have collided in deep space, splintering into large chunks of debris that will soon rain down on a tiny planet just outside Pluto's orbit. Could it happen here? We asked Professor Dunlevy, Iowa State University Extension Astronomer. [Cut to professor looking mystified] 'What? Uh, no. There's absolutely no chance of an asteroid collision raining debris onto earth. Even if that did happen, the debris would just burn up upon entry. No, that wouldn't affect Iowa, either."
Or if you prefer a real example, now that people have nearly managed to forget about Columbine, two full news programs have been devoted to discussing whether it could happen again here in Iowa. A local school closed on the anniversary of the Tragedy/Disaster/Oh My God, The Children, Why God Why because someone reportedly telephoned threats of violence. Investigations into the perpetrator of these threats are underway, but I'll bet nobody's going to the most logical source, which of course is the news channels.
Thank you all for the education on moxie/MOXIE/Moxy/Moxie. I'm a better man for knowing it.
Because you've all been so helpful with the Moxie, maybe you could give me some advice. I recently came into a little money, and while I shouldn’t reveal its source in this highly public, easily-accessible-to-G-Men-and-other-Fuzz location, suffice it to say that lonely Iowa widows can get pretty hungry for some fine Norwegian booty.
I already used most of the money to cure the difficulties I’ve been having with spelling and punctuation, as you can plainly see. As far as the rest of the money, I’m trying to figure out whether I should use it to buy a new computer. Since Alan Thick (as Mr. Seever on the hit TV sitcom Growing Pains) taught me to make a list of the Pros and Cons for any decision, I have done so below:
Pros: 1) A new computer would allow me to fulfill my destiny as a boy to surround myself with gadgets, and it would allow me to lord my growing knowledge of computers over the people around me by incessantly bragging about how cheaply I can build a computer. 2) it would reassure me that, at least for another few months, my computer is no longer hopelessly obsolete.
Cons: 1) Since I already own a functioning computer, I could use that money for better things, like groceries or books or moving to Idaho. 2) it would just take up more space in the overcrowded office that Jen and I share, and Jen has already drawn strict boundaries between her stuff and mine that I’m constantly breaking.
As you can see, the Pros and Cons are tied, leaving me paralyzed by a stalemate. This is something Alan Thick never covered. Any suggestions?
posted by Paully at 1:27 PM link/comments
Friday, April 20, 2001
It was March 17,1936. She still regrets losing the player piano.
posted by Linda at 3:56 PM link/comments
One of the reasons I could never get into television journalism is that I'd be terrified they'd make me one of those "on-the-spot" reporters. You know, the guy who the anchors look at on their monitors and say, "There's been a horrible infestation of malaria-infected tse tse flies in Baton Rouge, so we've covered Correspondent Brian Jones in cow manure and sent him to Louisiana. Brian, what's going on down there?" And then there's poor Brian being eaten alive by flies and saying something painfully obvious like, "Jim and Ramona, this situation is very unpleasant for local residents." If my grandmother had even a lick of technological prowess, I'd get her on here to tell you all about the flood she and her family lived through (in the 20s, I think? Ma?). The family made it to higher ground, and then my great-grandfather rowed a boat through the flood to get some things from their house. Waters were so high he rowed right up to a second-story window, opened it, and climbed into one of the upstairs bedrooms. The best part is that the house is still standing. And my grandma still lives in it. If that happened now, our news anchors would instantly die and go to Human Interest Story Heaven.
posted by Kate at 2:54 PM link/comments
Greetings and a big goyim MAZEL TOV to Paully. Ya got a lotta moxie, kid. Watch some cop or detective movies made in the 30s and 40s....they used that word a lot. Keep making those sand bags for Ole Man River. Seems like it is driving everybody meshugeh. It's on the news here, too.
Lindathemum, do they really still make MOXIE? I remember it from when I was a kid but haven't seen it for ages. (Here we go back to your favorite 50's, Billyjoebob.) I shall check the site.
posted by Linda at 1:50 PM link/comments
Here's the final installment of the cousin-hating-news-anchors episode: Seems the cousin was convinced that the news anchors were inserting subliminal religious dogma into their broadcasts, trying to convert us all to some sort of state-run religion.
I do think it's strange that news anchors get all the attention that they get. They get more attention than the news they are reporting. Sometime ago in central Iowa's rich media past, a petite blond news anchor woman was actually abducted and they've never heard from her since. It's a perennial tear-jerker story. Also, remember when the entire Midwest flooded in biblical proportions in 1993? Well, the ol' Mississippi is flooding again (you know, like it does every year) and the news stations in Des Moines (four hours from the river) are doing live updates featuring a lackey in hip boots measuring the "impending doom" with a wooden ruler and verbal hyperbole. I might be happy if they reported that "the river sure has some moxie this year!" but, no, they're not...The local evening news is an English major's nightmare....
posted by Jen at 12:56 PM link/comments
On the disappearance of BillyJoeBob ... Email from our favorite southern hemisphere correspondent reports that he is fine, and is attempting to work his angstful Aussie fingers to the bone to ensure continued employment upon his return downunder in July.
posted by Kate at 10:12 AM link/comments
David Sedaris rules. I like "Me Talk Pretty One Day," but looooooved "Naked." It was one of those books where I'd start laughing to the point of tears in the living room, then drive everyone crazy by saying, "No, wait, you guys, I gotta read you this part." Salon's got some great audio clips of Sedaris available for download. The one of him reading his essay about working for a communist furniture mover is pretty fabulous. Speaking of funny folks from NPR, I picked up a book called "Lipshtick" at Half-Price Books a few months back by Gwen Macsai. She's no Sedaris, but bits of it are hysterically funny. Good point about the Jewish Vikings. I've found the use of the term "for chrissakes" (along with "goddam") to be hilarious ever since I read The Catcher in the Rye in 8th grade, so I guess that's my excuse. Maybe the speaker in that post was a Jewish Viking Devotee of J.D. Salinger. Yeah, that's it.
posted by Kate at 10:06 AM link/comments
Paully - I'm a mum, so apart from telling you how wonderful you all are, and encouraging you in your lives etc. etc. I also have the duty of explaining to you when you go wrong. Moxie (please note spelling) is acutally a brand of softdrink that comes from Maine. You could even come to the Moxie Days celebration on the second Sautrday in July. Read all about it. So as a born again Jew you need to do some resarch about the idiom. Shouldn't be too much trouble for the person who won the Research Exellence Award!
And while I'm being pedantic, I doubt that Jewish Vikings say 'for Christ's sake'.
I miss Bill's Aussie angst too - but I have it on good authority having spoken to both his father and big brother in the last few days that he is working hard.
I like David Sedaris too - do you ever listen to 'This American Life'? David Sedaris is often on it. We really like it.
posted by lindathemum at 7:16 AM link/comments
the best part about rod barnett: he has quoted himself on his web page. that's the most incredible thing ive ever seen. i dont think i would ever have the moxy (im now qualified to use jewish words) to quote myself. i wonder if he was thinking, "Rod, where are you going to find a powerhouse particle of profundity about Fate and Taking Charge? Oh, and hey Rod, nice alliteration back there." then he leafed through Bartlett's Familiar Quotations until he stumbled upon the perfect nugget of wisdom, only to discover that it was written by none other than ROD BURNETT. boy, was his face red. "Of course, Rod; I should have gone with you all along." then he chucked his own chin.
jen and i went to see david sedaris tonight, and i have to say it was the richest experience ive had here at ISU. better than michael moore, better even than john waters. ISU gets some of the kick-assingest speakers in the US, because they usually need someplace to sleep between LA and Chicago. mr. sedaris is the funniest man to ever try being funny. we bought his book "Me Talk Pretty One Day" and then we couldnt bear to read it. instead we built a little shrine and made plans to sacrifice james on it. i'll let you know how it goes.
hey billyjoebob? where are you? i miss your brand of aussie angst. and, you know, it's kind of all about me, so you should probably start posting again real soon.
posted by Paully at 1:56 AM link/comments
Thursday, April 19, 2001
This guy is waving 10 grand around for anyone who finds him a wife. (Thank you, Mighty Girl) He sounds like the world's largest schmuck. But surely there's someone we know amongst us who we absolutely hate who would be compatible with this guy. Help me out, folks, and we can split the 10 grand and have a big Blog Party in Barbados.
posted by Kate at 4:43 PM link/comments
In case anyone feels like doing dangerous things with kitchen appliances... Putting inappropriate things in the microwave
posted by Kate at 1:40 PM link/comments
Oh, MAN. That's fabulous. I salute your cousin, Jen. If I had $200 lying around that I didn't need, I would totally spend it getting plowed and ranting about Cleveland news archors. I, too, harbor an insane hatred for them, but don't tell the local fuzz, or they'll cart me off. Jewish vikings ... phew ... "Look, I'm sorry, Thor, normally I'd be fine with pillaging and general revelry, but it's Yom Kippur, so I'm just gonna hang out here on the ship and fast. And for chrissakes, tell Vlad to quit yoinking all the matza." So I'm sitting here listening to NPR's "Rewind" (downloadable from their web site), and of course last week's topic was all about taxes. The guests were all discussing a tax proposal wherein tax credits would be doubled for married folks and children, and how that was a sort of frightening form of social manipulation -- "Get married! Have kids! Maintain the status quo!" And then they went off on a tangent about how single people should work to enact more single-specific tax deducations: The "I Have To Eat My Own Cooking" Deduction I would also suggest the following: The "I Have to Deal With Familial Inquisitions Into My Love Life on an Regular Basis" Deduction
The "My Bookshelves Are Constructed of Cement Blocks and 2 x 4s" Deduction
The "My Place is Really Messy Because No One Ever Sees It But If I Have a Date I Have to Clean Up, Resulting in Lower Back Pain" Deduction
The "I'm So Desperate for a Tax Refund that I Actually Considered Claiming My Cats as Dependents" Deduction
posted by Kate at 1:03 PM link/comments
Paul and I are going to work on forging a race of Jewish Vikings. It's destiny, I tell you! Also, we were watching The Weakest Link last night (Paul made me do it) and I got the one Israel question right. Also, today is Holocaust Remembrance Day. (That's for real, I'm not joking...)
If anyone cares about some closure in the "cousin in the mental hospital" topic, here it is. The cousin hates the Cleveland news anchors so much that he decided to run up a $200 tab at the bar and go on a piss-drunk rant about the inherent evilness of news anchors. So the police took him to the mental ward because you are OBVIOUSLY insane if you hate a news anchor...
posted by Jen at 12:15 PM link/comments
I've had this song going through my head all morning: It ain't gonna rain no more no more / It ain't gonna rain no more / How in the heck can I wash my neck / If it ain't gonna rain no more? Will someone please tell me a) where the hell this song is from; and b) whether I should shove a sharp stick into my ear cavity to make it stop? Comment:
Name: maggie
Email: maggeh@yahoo.com
URL: http://www.geocities.com/maggeh
This song is one of the reasons why I wish I had a mental delete button to
clear some brain space. The song, of course, is from my sixth grade
graduation. You must have been there. The next few verses are:
Mary had a little lamb/
Her father shot it dead/
Now Mary takes that Lamb to school/
Between two slices of bread.
Oh it ain't gonna rain no more no more/
It aint' gonna rain no more/
How in the dickens can I wash a'my chickens/
If it ain't gonna rain no more?
posted by Kate at 11:43 AM link/comments
Lovely eye candy to be had here.
posted by Kate at 11:37 AM link/comments
Things to do while you're bored at your desk ... Pick up the phone and dial (toll free!) 1-877-338-6747 to leave a message for the devil. Trust me. It's kinda fun. Via deadman.
posted by Kate at 11:32 AM link/comments
Jen - We bought some kosher macaroons here at the office for an event, and there are loads left over. I can express mail some to you if you're hungry. If I were your mother, Jen, I'd be more concerned that you'd be the one leaving Paul. I mean, in light of this new information, aren't you suddenly overtaken by the urge to honor your people by settling down with a nice Jewish boy? Isn't Paul's heritage some form of Nordic species? He could never pass for anything but a goya. Shopping Triumph of the Week: The Blockbuster near our house is selling off a ton of "pre-watched" videos. I went in there the other night and got my very own copy of X-Men for $7 and a copy of Being John Malkovich for $3. More John Cusack, Hugh Jackmann, and Patrick Stewart than I know what to do with. One li'l criticism about X-Men, though: Does anyone else think that Halle Berry (sp?) was dreadful as Storm? That role should have been played by Angela Bassett. She would have rocked.
posted by Kate at 9:28 AM link/comments
now that my girlfriend is of the chosen people--
let me start again. now that the love of my life is a latke lover--
wait. one more time. now that jen is a jew, and i know the full difference one little "n" can make, i am trying to figure out how i can leave her. if anyone has suggestions, post them to this blog.
note to jen's mother: I'm kidding. I have no intention of leaving jen. in fact, she pissed me off more tonight by putting my thesis paper into the printer with the watermark upside down than she did by telling me that she's one-eighth jewish. whereas her new religious/racial/whatever designation barely registers on my consciousness, i should point out that 25% cotton paper is expensive.
free of charge, im including an instruction manual on how to become our neighbor here in iowa. 1) become a lesbian and alienate your young lover until she leaves you, making sure at some point to break a window and a screen door, and to leave both on your front lawn for a few weeks. 2) buy a big, old-school jeep, and then use the jeep and a non-functional red car to take up three parking spots in an otherwise overcrowded parking lot. 3) buy an ancient, blind white dog. 4) leave the dog outside until 4 a.m., making sure it barks for twenty-minute spells with only short breaks between.
posted by Paully at 2:48 AM link/comments
I'm not sure I liked the butt plug thing. I could have done without it.
I said my fond farewells to speed reading today. I got a hug, a pie, and a loaf of bread as parting gifts.
On my family's new-found Jewish identity front, my mom emailed me about her concern that Paul would leave me now that he "knows the truth." Whether or not she was serious (I have a horrible feeling she was), that whole episode has spawned enough jokes to fill a Late Show monologue. Paully is going on and on about what it must be like to be part of the Lost Tribe of Israel, and I think I'll buy a few dreidels tomorrow.
posted by Jen at 1:10 AM link/comments
Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Oops. That should have been via Spamtucky.
posted by Kate at 10:45 AM link/comments
Oh my good god. Don't click this link unless you are prepared to view a website that claims to be "The Home of the Baby Jesus Butt Plug."
