I knew going into this whole damned home-buying thing that the process was going to be expensive. I knew full well about down payments and closing costs, and before I was even able to think about down payments and closing costs, I had to sink a hefty chunk of bank into Paying Stuff Off so that the mortgage people would not smite me upon review of my credit report.
I assumed, quite foolishly, that all Big Ticket Costs would happen at the END of the process; like about four seconds before the realtor handed us the keys, I'd write a check for the down payment and closing costs, and everyone would stand up and shake hands, and Marc and I would go skipping off to our new back deck to sit in our hot tub (have I mentioned that our house has a HOT TUB?).
For the benefit of those who have never purchased a home, heed this: From the moment you start thinking about buying a house, people start lining up to take your money, and there is no end to it. Last week I had to plunk down $500 in "earnest money," which the realtor will tell you is so "you can show you're really serious about buying the house," but which is really wacky realtor talk for "we just wanna soak you for five hundred bucks up-front." The money goes toward the cost of the house, so it's not a complete piss-away, but the fundamental problem I have with the whole realtor "give-us-money-so-the-buyer-knows-you're-serious" argument is that if I weren't serious about buying the house, I probably wouldn't sign a binding legal contract that says "THIS IS A BINDING LEGAL CONTRACT THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO BUY THIS HOUSE, AND YOU CAN ONLY BACK OUT FOR VERY SPECIFIC, VERY RARE-INSTANCE SORT OF REASONS. IF YOU DARE TRIFLE WITH THIS CONTRACT, THIS CONTRACT WILL BITCH-SLAP YOUR WHITE ASS BACK TO LITHUANIA."
In addition to the earnest money, tonight Marc and I will go to the house with our realtor and hand over $250 to an inspector whose job it is to climb around inside walls and on rooftops and whatnot so he can assure us that parts of the house that are attached to each other will stay that way. Somewhere in the middle of the two hours of inspection fun, Radon Man will show up and spend 30 seconds setting down a can of some sort of Radon-detecting material, then return 48 hours later to fetch his Can of Whatever to make sure the house isn't full of deadly gases. For this obviously high-tech and laborious process, I will pay Radon Man $135. Tomorrow, I will fork over $95 to some exterminator people so they can check for termites or "other wood-boring insects" that might be chowing down on the frame of the house.
Tomorrow at lunch time, I have an appointment to drive over to my mortgage guy's office and begin the Official Mortgage Process, which involves W2s and bank statements and paystubs and a notarized copy of my third-grade report card. It also involves writing another check for $350 for a "mortgage application fee," which I'm pretty sure means that the mortgage company is charging us for the privilege of charging us tens of thousands of dollars in interest when we take up ownership of the house.
By my calculations, this means that I have sunk over $1,300 into the home-buying process in the past 5 days, and I don't even own the damned house yet.
posted by Kate at 4:27 PM link/comments
