Diary of a Snowstorm:
Approx 48 hours prior to arrival of Snow: Local anchorperson says during teaser, “And is there more winter weather on the way?” in the same tone of voice I use when asking dog, “Do you wanna go for a ride in the car?”-
36 Hours Pre-Snow: Father calls from Pittsburgh to discuss impending snowstorm; wonders whether husband is planning to plow driveway with tractor should more than three inches of snow accumulate. Assure father that driveway will be plowed should such event occur.
24 Hours Pre-Snow: Extreme change in local anchorperson’s attitude. Tone now portends certain doom. “And just how much snow will we see, and what should you do to prepare?”
23 Hours, 50 Minutes Pre-Snow: Father calls from Pittsburgh to ask husband whether there is gasoline in the tractor. Tractor, as it turns out, does not run without gasoline.
23 Hours, 45 Minutes Pre-Snow: Local anchorperson takes 30-second break from forecasting snow “event” to run important That Internet: It’s Dangerous/parental paranoiac fodder.
23 Hours, 44 Minutes Pre-Snow: Did you know it’s going to snow tomorrow? Local weatherperson would like you to know that it’s going to snow. He should know; he has machine called something like “Adjective Doppler Many Thousands of Numbers,” which was apparently constructed by genius space robots and given a papal blessing. Doppler Many Thousands is infallible. Bow before Doppler Many Thousands.
15, 13, and 11 Hours Pre-Snow: Former Floridian Husband calls me at work to repeat weather report he’s just heard. Did I know it was going to snow? Maybe 9 inches!
10 Hours Pre-Snow: Father calls from Pittsburgh. Has it started snowing yet?
6 Hours Pre-Snow: Local anchorperson chats with sub-anchorperson, who is on location at local grocery store. Sub-anchorperson displays stunning investigative reporting techniques by running around local grocery store pestering the morbidly obese.
5 Hours, 50 minutes Pre-Snow: Local meteorologist steps in to remind us that if snow gets on roads, roads could become slippery, and if that happens, everyone should just stay the hell home.
5 Hours, 45 minutes Pre-Snow: Back to sub-anchorperson, who has located That One Guy in Cleveland -- the one who has obviously just moved here after spending every single day of his life in Charlotte Amalie – who honestly believes there is some chance he will get snowed in. He is stocking up. His grocery cart contains 6 gallons of whole milk, 90 pounds of rock salt, 19 frozen Red Baron pizzas, and 6 frozen Sara Lee cheesecakes.
1 Hour, 30 minutes Pre-Snow: Mother calls from Pittsburgh to report that father has asked 4 times in past 3 hours whether she’s talked to me to find out if snow has started. Mother asks if she can come live with us to get away from maniacal weather-obsessed Father. I cannot tell whether she is kidding.
30 Minutes Pre-Snow: Jay Leno is not funny.
(stay tuned for exciting conclusion)
posted by Kate at 11:50 PM link/comments
