Symptoms of the World's Worst Cold
1. Return to Cleveland from trip to Chicago, and go to friend's house to play poker. Notice at around 11 p.m. that throat is sore. Borrow 2,500 mg of Vitamin C from friend's kitchen cabinet.
2. At 3 a.m., four hours following ingestion of copious Vitamin C, wake up to bizarre sensation. Evidently, two cue balls have been shoved down your throat, then set on fire. Attempt to swallow, then whimper in pain. Ingest 17 or 18 ibuprofen tablets.
3. When alarm goes off at 9 a.m., lie awake in bed for 15 minutes weighing options. Get up, an activity that will inevitably lead to having to swallow at some point? Or pull covers over head and sleep, because anything, not excluding chemically-induced coma, is preferable to pain in throat?
4. Opt to get out of bed. Regret this for next 48 hours.
5. For first time since you quit your corporate job, spend entire day regretting that you do not have an occupation that allows you to call in and say, "Fuck off. I'm sick." Clients of the self-employed do not care if you are sick. Clients of the self-employed are sadistic and scary.
6. Sneeze. For 12 hours.
7. Consider relative benefits of rigging up rudimentary IV system so as to mainline Robitussin DM.
8. Attempt to sleep. Wake up every 45 minutes. Be too hot. Kick blankets onto floor. Then, wake up freezing. Search floor frantically for blankets, which prove insufficient for merciless shivering. Eventually, wrap self around reluctant dog for warmth. This is price dog must pay for life of leisure and lack of gainful employment. Sneeze repeatedly into dog's fur.
9. At 4 a.m., notice that head is throbbing. Neck is stiff. Wonder mildly if cold is not cold at all, but rather symptoms of viral meningitis. Toy briefly with idea of going to hospital. Decide gambling with own life is worth not having to leave house.
10. At 5 a.m., out of boredom, decide to take own temperature. Wonder if body temperature of 103 degrees fahrenheit is cause for concern.
11. At 5:30 a.m., climb back into bed. Turn on television. Television is showing movie featuring Patrick Swayze driving semi-truck whilst looking vaguely worried. Realize that changing channel is far too much effort. Drift off to sleep.
12. Wake up every 15 minutes. Each time, glance at television. Each time, notice that screen is showing Patrick Swayze driving semi-truck whilst looking vaguely worried. Make mental note to check IMDB for details of Patrick Swayze Semi-Truck Cinematic Travesty.
13. Wake up at 9 a.m. Terrify self at sight of own visage in mirror. Slither downstairs to feel betrayed by realization that bottle of Robitussin is empty. Cough.
14. Cough. Cough. Cough.
15. Cough for two more weeks.
16. Cough hard enough to throw jaw out of TMJ remission. Develop dependence on muscle relaxants.
17. Spend rest of life as bitter pill junkie.
posted by Kate at 2:09 PM link/comments
