In Defense
When I visit other cities, people tend to have two reactions when I tell them I live, voluntarily, in Cleveland. The first is this: "Oh. Cleveland. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, right? And you must really like Drew Carey."
Oh, yes. Drew Carey. That's why I'm here.
The second reaction is recoiled horror, followed by a statement along the lines of, "Isn't that where they caught the river on fire?" to which I must respond, "Yes. About five times. But it's not like that anymore. Now, the pollution levels have dropped to the point where the worst side effect is a preponderance of hermaphroditic fish."
The real answer to the question of why I choose to live here is fairly simple. I went to college near here and many of my friends stuck around after we graduated, so I stuck around, too. Not the most romantic way to choose a place to call home for the past 12 years or so, but meh.
I've been hearing a lot on the radio lately about how Northeast Ohio is developing strategies to attract Young People to move here and to keep the existing Young People from leaving. Frankly, I'd just as soon you non-Cleveland Young People stay put, because the cost of living is cheap and I like it that way. However, should you be considering a change of pace -- tired of temperate climes? bored with countless cultural attractions? weary of convenient access to highways? -- and considering a move to Cleveland, I will give you five reasons to turn that consideration into a reality.
1. New Yorkers: For the price of a co-op 400-square-foot studio located squarely in the heart of Hell's Kitchen, you can buy a 1500-square-foot house. With surrounding grass. That you actually own. For the price of townhouse in Greenwich Village, you can own the whole damn City of Cleveland. Seriously. Call Mayor Frank Jackson and make him an offer.
2. Yes, it snows for six months out of every year, and July and August temperatures often approach that of thermite, but June? And September? They make you thankful. They are the guilt-tripping months of all of Monthdom. "You think you have it so bad?" They say. "You'll appreciate us yet. No, you'd better not spend all day on the couch, all ungrateful like that, because you'll see. You'll see. In February, you'll be thinking, 'why did i spend june inside playing 'guitar hero' when i could have been enjoying june?' That's what you'll think. And then where will you be? On the couch, playing Guitar Hero, watching the snow fall, that's where."
3. The fact that Cleveland has one of the highest obesity rates in the country will make you feel quite svelte, even if your ass, like mine, could stand a bit of a narrowing.
4. Pierogies. The city's lousy with Poles, which means you are always within spitting distance of a decent pierogi and four or five people who want to join you in vodka shots with pickle chasers. It's fantastic. I swear.
5. Perspective. Yes, it's a bit cruddy around here, but that makes it all the more magnificent when you visit, say, Chicago, and are so marveled by its efficiency that you turn to your traveling partner and sputter, "Holy shit, look. Cabs! That you can just hail on the street, and not ones for which you have to phone ahead 30 minutes in advance! And a downtown area that is not completely desolate past 8 p.m. each night! Who knew such a place existed?"
Convinced yet?
posted by Kate at 11:56 PM link/comments
