This is What I Would Like to See During Tonight's State of the Union Address:
- President enters room accompanied by Imperial March
- Speech begins thusly: "The state of our union is ... hyuck ... kinda jacked-up."
- All measly attempts at humor by President accompanied by jazz hands and enthusiastic "Wokka wokka wokka!"
- Each time President says "newk-yoo-ler," television cuts to vintage "Laugh-In" footage of go-go-dancing Goldie Hawn
- At every mention of bipartisanism, Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi engage in effeminate whappy-hands-style catfight.
- Barack Obama removes one (1) article of clothing each time camera cuts to him. Bonus points if by end of speech, he is wearing nothing but shiny gold sex medallion and black dress socks.
- Entire room hazy with pot smoke from Dennis Kucinich's bong.
- Mid-speech, Joe Lieberman sheds withered humanly shell to reveal horrifying alien exoskeleton, seizes Arlen Specter in massive jaws before spreading wings and flying directly through ceiling of Capitol.
- Directly following capstone "May God continue to bless America" statement, half-dozen prominent members of Saudi royal family in traditional dress arrange themselves behind President and begin to perform Rockette-style kickline. President, in foreground, gulps crude oil from martini glass.
posted by Kate at 3:47 PM link/comments
Thursday, January 04, 2007
In Memorium: 2006
I've been thinking for a few weeks now about writing a year-in-review post about 2006, a year that I have called many names, both good and bad.
In the spirit of onward and upward, I'm choosing now to memorialize the good bits of '06, because should I decide to bitch about the not-so-good bits, I fear I will trigger bad mojo, by which I mean "more trips to the emergency room." I spent so much time in hospitals in '06 that I am now fully qualified for an honorary medical degree. Let's try to avoid that this year, shall we, 2007?
Three Good Things About 2006:
1. A Career I Enjoy. Thank you, Baby Jesus.
2. New family. Earlier this year, my aunt and uncle gave birth to twins, William and Andrew, who are first cousins, yet 30 years my junior. Kiddos, you're beautiful. I can't wait to finally meet you next month and if you ever stumble across these words when you're old enough to read and understand, just remember that no matter what, I'm still the first grandkid and the only granddaughter, so never, ever forget that I'm the one running the show. Also, feel freee to give me a call when you're 15 and pissed off that my uncle won't let you get a tattoo.
3. Travel! I am all about Going Places. Suggest to me that we are Going Somewhere, particularly Somewhere that involves leaving the county or state, and my ears perk up. Then I whirl around the house like some sort of dervish and start begging for Meaty Bones. A brief recap:
- March in South Carolina - I love you, South Carolina
- March/April in California - My first-ever trip to The State from Whence Comes Cool. Southern California, if you ever stop being so smoggy and goddamned expensive and precariously close to falling off the edge of the nation, I might consider living in you. Thanks to Holly, Brez, and Jill for making the trip possible.
- May and July in upstate New York. Thanks, Nat and Amanda, for getting married so I could go to Aurora again.
- October in Chicago, where they have cabs. Neat!
- November in Raleigh, North Carolina, an unplanned trip that involved more hospital, but wound up involving a lovely Thanksgiving. Thanks to Marc, Bryan, and Janette.
- December in Tallahassee, Florida, for work, but where I spent one gorgeous hour sitting outside a local tavern having a beer in 75-degree weather, and where I successfully gave a work-related presentation all by myself. Begone, fear of public speaking. Hooray!
- December in Salem and Boston, Massachusetts, where my wonderful friends Jean and John kept me fed and housed and entertained. You're fantastic, the two of you. Thanks also to Mark for walking me around Harvard Square and for saving my life when your car tried to strangle me to death (goddamned automatic seat belts ... grumble, grumble).
Travel plans for 2007 already include Virginia, Philadelphia, and Atlanta, and I am hopeful for California, Oregon, and Utah as well. One of these days, I'm gonna fly my ass back to Europe, but maybe we'll save that for 2008. Somehow, I doubt the mortgage people are going to accept, "Look, I'd love to give you money, but I want to go to Tuscany" as an acceptable excuse for non-payment.
New Year's Resolutions: Stop falling down so much, which I suppose will be a side effect of a bigger resolution to stop drinking so much. Take a woman who'd been working full-time since three days after she graduated college, wait 8 years, then give her a freelance career that enables her to stay up late, and I'll show you a chick who goes wacko and falls into a bottle for a few months. I'm not proud of this, and my mother is certainly horrified if she's reading right now. This is just to say that while I plan to continue my love affair with Shiraz, it and I are going to be seeing less of each other in the months to come.
Happy 2007 to all, and thank you to all those who got me through 2006. You know who you are, and I love you guys.
posted by Kate at 7:15 PM link/comments
Go, Nancy. It's Your Birthday.
Watching the new Congress being sworn in to office is not unlike watching a professional sport draft.
Just now, as George Allen was walking into the room, the journalist-cum-color-commentator remarked, "He had that YouTube Moment, as its called, that Mukaka moment, as some would say." Yes, Wolf Blitzer, but how many rushing yards did he have against Baltimore last season?
Ah, yes, that wacky little Mukaka moment, wherein an elected official said something horribly ignorant and racist. Ha ha!
Next up: The swearing-in of Nancy Pelosi, during which the House floor will split open to reveal a yonic vortex that will swallow all the god-fearing, righteous Republican elected officials and deposit them in some rapturous alternate universe where dirty feminists and queers and minorities don't exist. And then, my friends? Then the rest of us can live like the godless heathens we are. I can't wait.
posted by Kate at 12:55 PM link/comments